(December 22 - January 19)
You’ll find yourself at a talent show, where some kid will be playing “the Entertainer” on the piano. Feeling a moment of nostalgia, you’ll jump on stage and slit his throat.
(January 20-February 18)
Oh... this is not good. Nope. Wait here while I get a gun.
(February 19 - March 20)
I see debt, an ugly spouse, ungrateful kids — bad stuff. But there was a pretty sweet-looking Lincoln Towncar for a moment there.
(March 21 - April 19)
Pictures are worth a thousand words — unless, of course, they’re pictures of you. Those are worth a lot less.
(April 20 - May 20)
After dabbling in hard drugs and soft porn, you will realize that your life is a mess. What you’ll need are soft drugs and hard porn.
(May 21 - June 20)
By the time you read this, I will be gone. And you will be robbed of your dignity!
(June 21 - July 22)
You have nothing to fear but fear itself. And maybe the fact that fundamental human rights are being violated right under your nose.
(July 23 - August 22)
You’re the water bearer, so would you mind getting me a beer? I mean, since you’re up already.
(August 23 - September 22)
You’ll open up a bicycle store in Maine with your best friend. He will eventually go crazy and burn the store down. Then he’ll pee in your eye.
(September 23 - October 22)
You wanna come over and play this weekend? Yeah, I said “play.” Well, like with toy cars and action figures. That kind of shit.
(October 23 - November 21)
When your pet rabbit runs away, you’ll chase it down a hole where a wolverine choir practice will be put on hold as they tear into you and your pet’s flesh.
(November 22- December 21)
Your hard work will be rewarded with higher taxes.