May 2004 (v6 i6)
Going down in elevators since 1997
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Concertgoer self-conscious about head-bobbing technique
AUSTIN - Twenty-year-old John Rhys, an attendee at the Sounds show at Emo's Thursday night, grew self-conscious when a cursory glance at the rest of the crowd revealed that his head-bobbing was off-beat. "He suddenly stopped moving his head and looked around like he'd just done something wrong," said fellow concertgoer Katrina Pajo. Only moments before, Rhys had been in enthralled by the music, his eyes locked squarely on the stage. When his eyes wandered down to fellow audience members, however, he realized that the fervent bobbing of his head fell on neither the 1/3 beat nor the 2/4 beat at which most fans rocked out. Rhys spent the rest of the concert scanning the crowd for his nodding cue, stilling his head altogether when a song changed time signatures or went into an unfamiliar bridge.

Goth kid doesn't die, despite wishes
PLANT CITY, FL - Fifteen-year-old goth kid and aspiring poet Michael Burton did not die in his sleep Monday night, despite his loss of will to live. Particularly depressed after a long day of being bummed out, Michael decided he wanted to die in his sleep that night. After hanging out at his favorite 7-Eleven with his two closest friends, Michael watched an old episode of Angel and smoked his last Lucky Strike before falling asleep while listening to the Cure. Michael's final words were to be: "Life is not worth the price of living. I wish to depart this wretched vessel by sunrise. Maybe when I'm dead, they'll miss me." "Damn it!" he shouted upon awaking. "Must I be cursed to forever pace this dreary sphere?" Michael's mom, having just entered his room, said, "So you're up? Well, let me make you some pancakes." To this, Michael asked, "Chocolate chip?" to which Mrs. Burton replied, "Of course, honey."

Girl fails to use big words correctly
CAMPUS - The students of Professor Lambert's English 314L Shakespeare class shared a laugh yesterday while discussing fellow classmate Janie Morten's complete inability to properly use big words. The impromptu discussion focused mainly on the highlights of Morten's "pathetic attempts" at higher-level vocabulary. "Remember when she used 'observement' and 'insightment' in the same sentence?" asked sophomore Richard Kane. "She must've taken an SAT class at Sears or something." Rather than answer Kane's question, junior Anna Ferguson pointed out that Morten always says 'omnipotent' wrong. "The first time I thought it was an accident, but apparently she thinks it's pronounced omni-potent." The comment that elicited the largest laugh, however, pointed out how awkwardly Professor Lambert deals with the misuse. "You get the feeling that most of the time he wants to correct her," explains Kane, "but just doesn't know how to do it without hurting her feelings." Before continuing to laugh with her classmates, Ferguson replied, "I think we can all agree that he has an 'obliduty' to do it anyway."

Hollywood relationship doesn't work out
LOS ANGELES, CA - Publicists have confirmed that the 18-month relationship between a celebrated film actor and a model/singer/perennial bitch is over. Even though their schedules allowed them to be in the same city for up to 40 days per year, the couple felt the relationship was too hard to maintain and agreed to see some of the thousands of other people they could be dating instead. Despite sharing such interests as money-grubbing, complaining, and yelling at maids, the pair cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split. Although friends and associates have characterized both as highly egocentric, jealous and controlling people, they say the couple eventually found constant hounding by paparazzi and each other's bathroom habits too much to handle.

End-of-semester cookies boost TA's rating from "very unsatisfactory" to "unsatisfactory"
CAMPUS - Fred Kessler, a teacher's assistant for RTF 309, brought three boxes of cookies from Stephanie's Sweets to his last discussion section of the semester, just before leaving the classroom to allow students to fill out lab evaluation surveys. The well-timed display of generosity helped Kessler earn an average overall score of "Unsatisfactory," a full rating higher than the "Very Unsatisfactory" that he would have received had he not brought snacks at all. "I just wanted to leave a token of my appreciation for your being such a good class," Kessler said, his needy eyes - once steeled by minimal authority - now gently searching the students' faces for signs of appreciation. That gratitude manifested in the write-in section of the surveys, where one student wrote, "Thanks for the munchies, dumbass" and another student mashed cookie crumbs into the paper until they stuck.

Addition of rims to 1991 Civic a big improvement
ST. PAUL, MN - The installation of a set of 18-inch rims on David Culbreth's 1991 Honda Civic last weekend was a "huge improvement" to the vehicle. The purchase is the first in a series of additions that includes multiple Flowmasters, fuzzy dice, and a Bubb Rubb whistle tip. "Once I get this bad boy tricked out," said Culbreth, turning up the car's factory cassette player, "I can start saving for a new transmission." Even though the new rims take the attention away from the car's peeling blue paint, missing bumper and cracked windshield, they fail to hide the fact that the vehicle is a 13-year-old Honda Civic.

Misuse of commas, unrequited love drives Grammarian to take own life
BOSTON - Respected Grammarian Ian Johnson was found dead yesterday by his landlord, after taking his own life. Johnson's suicide note detailed how flagrant misuse of commas eventually "drove him to despair," police said. This, as well as a one-sided love affair with his neighbor, Kathy Parnes, was identified as the motive behind his act. "I don't want to live in a world that disgusts me grammatically," Johnson explained in his note. Later in the letter, Johnson cites a rejection note left by Parnes in response to his many love letters as "the final straw." Parnes explained: "I just left a little message on his door saying I wasn't interested. I didn't know how it would affect him." Police reported that the note read: "Hey (comma) I just wanted you to know (comma) that I'm really (hyphen) flattered by you're sweet (comma) and touching letters. Sorry (colon) don't like you." Johnson's mint-condition Scott, Foresman Handbook For Writers will be donated to the Rhetoric Department of the local community college.

Art student not incorporating you into his painting
THAT PARK - Even though you were sitting right there, Studio art senior Cully Matheson was not incorporating you into his account of a quiet afternoon in that park right by your house. Despite your large book and being very still, Matheson instead chose to focus on the landscape, replacing your figure with a completely unrealistic shrub. However, Matheson's efforts will most likely fail to impress his professor, especially if he keeps ignoring details and passing up opportunities to incorporate perfectly good models into his work.

Daytime programming causes kitchen television to menstruate
DALLAS, TX - The kitchen television of the Anderson family in northeast Dallas began shedding its uterine lining during a scheduled afternoon viewing of Oprah, much to the dismay of some family members. "I was catching up on the dishes and watching my daily dose of O," said housewife Betty Anderson, "and a large pool of blood began collecting under the set." After cleaning up the mess and placing a diaper under the television to prevent further spillage, Anderson poured herself an iced tea, switched the set to Dr. Phil, and continued to vacuum the living room.

Rufus Wainwright blasts 50 Cent in new song
HOLLYWOOD - The epic feud between singer-songwriter Rufus Wainwright and gangster rapper 50 Cent escalated Monday, when Wainwright unveiled a new song on tour that questions the rapper's lyrical ability. "Fitty cent can't buy you a soda / Or bust a decent rhyme / By the time I reach the coda / He won't be worth a dime," crooned the mild-mannered Wainwright over the softly-plunked piano melody of "Inflation's a Bitch," his musical response to 50 Cent's earlier comment that Wainwright is "an Elton John facsimile that - like all facsimiles - demonstrates only a fraction of the original's quality." The feud marks the ugliest flare-up between a hardcore rapper and a piano-playing singer since a 1997 gunfight between the entourages of Harry Connick Jr. and Ice Cube claimed six lives in a Las Vegas hotel lobby.

Ben folds laundry
BROOKLYN - Popular songwriter and Comoda Hills Apartments resident Ben Folds washed, dried and folded his delicates in the complex's laundry room Sunday morning. The multi-platinum artist stood separating his wool from his Harris Tweed, unknowingly humming his hit song "Brick." The intimately showcased chart-topper resonated with almost every other male in the room, as one man paused while cleaning his lint tray, staring vacantly and nodding, as if to signify his strong connection to the song's lyrics. Another resident marveled at Folds' unique ability to express his own adult struggles and also wondered how the insightful lyricist had dried his merino sweater without shrinking it.
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