April 2004 (v6 i5)
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Plan II Business Honors student has a personality
First in university’s history
by Kathryn Edwards, Staff Writer

Crosswords in pen? Looks like someone
thinks highly of himself.
CAMPUS — After two months in testing facilities, researchers shocked the UT community last Thursday when they announced that Plan II/Business Honors student John Fields “actually has a personality.”

The announcement was met with widespread disbelief amongst the student body. “What? Are you kidding me?” asked junior Tina Salven upon being told the news. “That’s impossible! I’m a Liberal Arts peer advisor, and trust me, those kids are all the same.”

Others had a more suspicious reaction. “I don’t buy it for a minute,” explained Architecture senior Randy Felps. “The university is just saying that to attract people to the program. This is just another example of our money being wasted.”

Most students, however, are more interested in meeting Fields and finding out whether his unique personality is all “just a hoax.” But for his part, Fields cannot explain why he is receiving so much attention.

“I don’t see why I’m so special,” said Fields. “I’m just a guy majoring in Plan II and Business Honors. I put pants on one leg at a time just like everybody else — albeit much more intelligently and cost-effectively.”

Unfortunately for Fields, that is not how everyone else sees it. Fields has been kicked out of his Classical Philosophy and Modern Business weekly discussion group and has suffered from various other forms of exclusion, said his roommate, Donny Simmons, a Plan II English student.

“I can’t help but feel bad for the guy,” said Simmons. “I’ve heard a lot of rumors that people are starting to think he’s in the wrong major and that he just doesn’t fit in. One girl said that he’s acting like he’s better than everyone just because he can prove that he has a personality. It’s a real shame.”

Later next week, researchers intend to publish an article that explains the tests Fields underwent and summarizes the results.

“Fields was subjected to a variety of tests, from watching movies to ingesting substances,” said research team leader Dr. Alan Lanning. “However, it wasn’t until he was studied while playing Monopoly that hints of a personality began to emerge.”

Lanning continued to explain that Fields frequently defined the value of squares of different colors, presenting his own unique opinion about which were the best. While reading a transcript of Fields’ comments, Lanning quoted:

“Some people swear by the light blues because it doesn’t take that much capital to put hotels on them. I respect that, but let’s be honest — the real key to winning is controlling the orange-red nexus in the free parking corner. The greens are great if you can afford them, but the yellows just don’t get that much traffic.”

It was comments like this that revealed Fields had individual thoughts, preferences, and behavioral patterns. From this revelation, doctors were able to conclude that his personality did indeed exist.
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