April 2004 / Texas Travesty Archives

April 2004 (v6 i5)

Shirking responsibility since 1997

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Texas Exes to employ UT dropouts
CAMPUS - Expanding on its mission to bring together students past and present, the Texas Exes has announced that it will employ university dropouts at the Alumni Center. "I don't see why those students who have failed to maintain a 2.0 GPA shouldn't be allowed to take part in our organization," said Texas Exes President Joseph Kirkson. "As long as they get to work on time and get the hair out of the bathroom sinks, I think it's a fine idea." Those students who are placed on academic probation are offered part and full-time employment should they be dismissed from the university. Jobs range from shoe-shining, to tending the alumni garden, to hand-feeding hors d'oeuvres to alumni at bi-weekly executive meetings. "We're providing these kids with applicable skills for the future," stated Kirkson. "Most of our top employees go on to serve as managers or assistant managers in numerous fast-food restaurants."

Student takes class, becomes expert
MISSOURI CITY, TX - David Perez returned home over Spring Break after the first half of PSY 301 with a knowledge of psychology unprecedented in his family. His parents soon found that Perez had become a wellspring of perspectives, ideas, and pretentiousness in a field of study with which they were not formally acquainted. Perez shook his head as he recalled his parents' blank stares in response to his attempt to explain their mental ailments. "Yeah, my dad's an engineer, so he had absolutely no idea how his conflict between oral fixation and his manual labor fuels his codependency on my mom," said Perez. "It's so unhealthy."

» More Dirty Briefs

• The First Annual Texas Travesty Film Festival will be held on Saturday, April 3rd at 10:30 p.m., so why don't we cram it down your throats some more?

• Your armpits will continue to be just wet enough to embarrass you no matter what you do to try and stop them.

• The University Co-op will change its picture marquee yet again to feature more accomplished UT faculty and alumni, but you still can't return that textbook you're not reading.

• The greatest thing about going to college? Wasting everybody's time!

• Anyone working in the Office of the Registrar over the age of 25 hates their job, so be sure to return their looks of malaise and emptiness with panicky ambition veiled by a youthful smile.

• Runners will make continuous daytime appearances on the West Mall, despite their awkward attempts to weave through swarms of people.

• The erratic weather changes as of late can be attributed to global warming or an angry God punishing us for homosexuality. The Bush administration has yet to decide which theory holds more merit.

• Wasps will be out in full force this spring, creeping the shit out of bipeds everywhere.

• Large stadium lights on and around the main mall will continue to illuminate the exciting nighttime events that occur there.

• It's too late to change your ugly ass-clothes, so just deal with it.

• Girls will continue to not notice endearing guys who sit three rows back and two seats over in their Government class.

• Guys who wear basketball shorts to class are disappointed every time a game fails to materialize on their walk home to West Campus.

• A yodeler trying out for the Texas Revue will practice for countless hours, unaware that her chances of advancing are just as low as the chances of a yodeler ever finding happiness.

• Students who need to tighten their backpack straps will continue to adjust their upward inching shirt tails every two minutes.

• This year, tigers are the new sharks.

• Drunken students will continue to quote The Chappelle Show without regard to accuracy or quality.

• Sufferers of Oblivious Moron Syndrome will noisily make their way into class even though there are only 10 minutes left.

• Spain is full of dirty little socialists.

• Feminist protestors should shut up already, because they're being paid 30 percent less attention than their male counterparts anyway.

• Campus tours will make their way through UT, noting the beauty of RLM and refusing to take copies of The Travesty.

		Pregnancy tests and consumer culture Todd Nienkerk Editor-in-Chief

		I like to steal things sometimes Kristin Hillery Managing Editor

		Vegas, Baby, Vegas! Grover Manheim Syndicated Columnist

		Ever since I started smoking Earl K. Dixie Cigarette Retailer

		Is the Segway only for rich people? It should be Clinton McSwindleton Segway Owner

		I can make you cool Beer Talking Beverage

		I come from a family of sinners Kirk Cameron Guest Columnist

		‘The Passion’ is anti-Satanic Kim Johnson Guest Columnist

Gay shotgun marriages on the rise
NEW PALTZ, NY - Josh Berger, 19, and Sam Johannsen, 20, were recently married even though they had only been dating for three months. They are among the thousands of gay couples who have taken advantage of certain states' allowing gays to marry on a whim, something straight couples have been doing for decades.... » more

Soup kitchen charged with liberal bias
AUSTIN - Finance sophomore Jack Hughes filed a formal complaint to the City of Austin concerning the liberal bias at a local soup kitchen, Caritas Loaves and Fishing Community Kitchen, where he was forced to perform community service for his third speeding ticket. The move marks a growing trend among conservatives rallying together against what they see as a liberal bias in mainstream America.... » more

ITT Tech to raise academic bar for applicants
ST. LOUIS - ITT Technical Institute, a leader in higher education, publicly announced last Monday their decision to consider applicants' academic merit. While ITT's acceptance rate has averaged approximately 98 percent over the past 10 years, the administrators have decided to move towards a stricter admissions policy.... » more

Talking Heads brought up excessively in lectures
CAMPUS - Government professor Alan Martin prides himself on relating lecture material for his U.S. Foreign Policy class to the '80s New Wave band the Talking Heads. From conflict in the Middle East to the inner workings of the White House, nothing escapes reference to Martin's favorite group, say students in the class.... » more

Hot, religious girlfriend an embarrassment
CAMPUS - Freshman Kyle Roarke recently impressed all of his friends by dating "totally hot" junior Melanie Howe, until he revealed that she is saving herself for marriage. According to friends, it was at that point that Roarke became "a total joke...." » more

Revisionist historian denies father, refuses name
BOSTON - Local revisionist historian Ron Simpleton, formerly Ron Montague, has begun refusing to acknowledge his father's existence and no longer goes by his given family name. Simpleton has built his career on revisionist history, a trend in history-writing which emphasizes the telling of events in a manner that radically differs from commonly accepted versions. Not until recently has Simpleton begun applying his professional ethic to his personal life.... » more

Bush to send First Lady on lunar mission
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Three months after disclosing his plans for a manned lunar mission, President Bush stunned the nation Tuesday when he belligerently announced that First Lady Laura Bush will be the first and only American to make the trip.... » more

Plan II Business Honors student has a personality
CAMPUS - After two months in testing facilities, researchers shocked the UT community last Thursday when they announced that Plan II/Business Honors student John Fields "actually has a personality...." » more

Math Ph.D. finds alternate use for flyers
AUSTIN - After few responses from students interested in his tutoring services, mathematics doctorate Phil Bidding found a new use for his cleverly designed flyers Friday. Realizing that he had a surplus of leftover flyers bearing his contact information, he started giving the stubs from his ads to women at local clubs and bars.... » more

Louis Vuitton purses now affordable for teachers
UPPER DARBY, PA - Math teacher Shelia Fitch brought nearly 30 fake Louis Vuitton hand bags, purchased on her annual Cancun spring break trip, to the staff of Hemmingway Middle School last week - earning Fitch half a year's salary in only five days.... » more

Woman experiences pre-flight premonitions
AUSTIN — A local family’s Spring Break vacation was cut short last Friday when mother Carol Hutchison was seized with dire, false premonitions about their upcoming flight.... » more

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