I come from a family of sinnersIt was the summer of 1994 and I was looking for a way to escape home after I divorced Julie for posing in Playboy, so I took a chance on my gentle friend Boner's offer to join his missionary group. While I was in Ghana, I was afforded the chance to hear the Word of the Lord through the teachings of our savior, Jesus Christ. Needless to say, my eyes were opened.
To make a long story short: I had a falling out with my family and I chose to get myself away from their hypocritical, impassionate adherence to God's will. However, I now know that if you truly love someone, as I do my family, you will do everything in your power to save them.
Dear Seaver Family,
I love each of you very dearly, but I believe you are all on a path to eternal damnation if you do not cease to live such sinful lives devoid of Christ.
Benny boy: Jesus cries every time you waste your seed to self-satisfy your unnatural sexual appetite. God put you here to father as many children as you can possibly manage, and until you find the proper wifekin to impregnate, you must ignore your deviant urges and abstain. You can find that fortitude of will in the love of Jesus, brother.
Carol: God is watching while you waste his fruits on your vanity. Get more involved with Jesus, and you will find you have very little time to eat and even less time to worry about being fat and ugly.
Mom, Dad: How come we never went to mass, said grace, or even owned a Bible? The complete absence of faith in our household baffles me. Dad, your psychiatry practice only serves to deepen the self-interest of your patients and increasingly distance them from the love of Jesus. Mom, how could you work as a journalist without ever spreading the good news? You both are living purposeless, indulgent lives.
Chrissy: I feel as if I never knew you, as if I had already lost interest in our family completely by the time you showed up.
I love all of you, and I know that you love me. But the love I have for you does not begin to compare to the love I have for our Lord Jesus, and so it pains me to see you wasting your time on our family when you could be focused on spreading the Word of God. You are all sinners, each and every one of you, and for that you are going straight to the fiery pits of an eternal, unforgiving hell. So accept Christ above everything, and then get back to me.