April 2004 (v6 i5)
Shirking responsibility since 1997
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I can make you cool
by Beer, Talking Beverage

Hey, buddy. Why’re you looking so down? This is college, man — you’re supposed to be having fun! Everyone else is having a great time. You don’t want to be different, do you?

Oh, I see. You’re a freshman, and you don’t have many friends. Well, I’m the solution. You’re at this great party, and no one is talking to you. Find me. You’re gnawed at by the daunting realization that your life is frivolous and without meaning. I can make you forget your superfluous existence with the pop of a top. You know that girl in your Philosophy class who’s really cool but has a moustache and butch-burns? I can fix all of that — I’m a can of beer.

I know I might not taste good right off the bat, but trust me, once I become a main staple of your diet, I go down smoother than Chinese silk. Those who oppose me say I lower your inhibitions. Such pessimists! I prefer “increase your awesomeness,” but I’ve always been of the persuasion that the beer bong is half-full.

Now, I know you might be a little afraid to give me a chance because of that silly law about having to be 21, but trust me: cops don’t care anymore — at least the cool ones don’t! And your parents? Well, if you care about what your parents think, then maybe you shouldn’t be in college.

For you naysayers, I have compiled a list of things that, while completely un-cool in a sober environment, are way cool in a me-filled environment:

Dance. Every guy knows that dancing is not fun. No matter how suave you think you are, let me make this clear: no dude looks cool dancing. However, once I invade your body like an unstoppable fun force, you’ll put on an awesome display for all your lady friends. The Robot, the Worm, the Train, the Electric Slide — even the Macarena will come as naturally as misogyny.

Listen to country music. I know you’ve all liked a country song at one time or another, but the fact is that while the majority of all country music is trite, repetitive, and painful to listen to, is there anything cooler than belting out the lyrics to “Friends in Low Places” while clinging to several buddies who’ve likewise enjoyed three too many of me and could free the beast all over the floor at any second? I think not.

Join a fraternity or sorority. Listen: what makes frat parties fun? Is it the engaging conversation? No. Is it the diversity? Certainly not. Is it the awesome cover band ripping through the greatest hits from the likes of Bon Jovi, Winger, and Quiet Riot? Possibly, but I doubt it. It’s like that shady 35-year-old guy who still hangs around the chapter house always says: “You can’t spell ‘frat’ without beer … I’m drunk.”

Get Married. If you’re going to make the greatest mistake of your life, you might as well blame it on me, your bestest bud. And besides, instead of saying “I do” to one lucky gal or fellow, why not down a dozen or two of me before you walk down the aisle?

Have Children. Nothing is more annoying or inconsequential than a newborn child, so why not actually enjoy raising your “bundle of joy” by experiencing the majority of his or her young life more blitzed than 1940 Britain? You’ll be more interesting than all the ‘rents who spend their time concerned with their kids’ safety.

So, in conclusion, you’d be a much cooler person if I were part of your everyday life. I’m confident that within thirty days of constant me-inundation, you’ll be cooler than cool. What’s cooler than cool, you ask? Ice cold me.
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