April 2004 (v6 i5)
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The Wonderful World of Jorts!
It’s that time of year again. The sun is shining, the leaves are green, and an army of men will soon emerge to flaunt their naked lower legs in jorts — that’s jean shorts for those of you not in the know.

Jorts are this year’s hottest fashion trend! I know many of you are skeptical, but so was I before the whole trucker hat explosion, and boy was I wrong! I know that jorts will soon sweep the fashion world, so sit back, grab a soy latte, and read on, lover boy, as I take you on a magic carpet ride to the fabulous world of jorts. Behold!

COMFORT The comfort of jorts is positively orgasmic! Where else can you capture that classy denim look achieved so effortlessly with jeans in the cool fall and winter, only in short form to help you beat the scorching summer heat? Trust me, as you walk to and from class you’ll be the envy of all the other dudes who thought cargo or mesh were the ways to go. Yeah, if you want to go back to early 2002. Snap!

DURABILITY If durability is what you’re after, look no further, for jorts are the Tiger Tanks of fashion. Impenetrable to all things, including hydrochloric acid (I’ve tried!), jorts can be worn for weeks at a time without any signs of wear or visible stains. Over the years, scientists have proven that the color and denim fabric found in jeans and jorts automatically blends with stains of any shape, size, or color. I haven’t removed my favorite pair in two months, and no one has seemed to mind. How fantab!

STYLE Although comfort and durability are clearly jorts’ main benefits, stylistically jorts are at the peak of their game. Just throw on your jorts, a pair of Teva sandals (or Keds high-tops), a Stüssy or Mossimo T-shirt, and some massive aviator sunglasses, and you’re ready for a night on the town. Trust me, fellas, while all the other dudes are sweating through their hundred dollar slacks, you’ll be knocking ’em dead on the dance floor. “Go Jorts Boy, it’s your birthday!”

The only thing I could think of to make jorts better would be to add a built in belt, but I guess my sexy fanny-pack will have to do for now.

PARTY POOPERS Unfortunately there are many people in this world who are very anti-jorts. They deem jorts to be tacky, goofy and only to be worn by 50-year-old men during softball practice. But who made them in charge? Not me, girlfriend!

TOP FIVE TIPS However, before you hop on the bus to your local Wal-Mart or Savers, I’d like to give you a few tips to maximize the style and comfort of your jorts experience. First, the more pockets the better. Second, strategically placed holes around the thigh and knee area add style and panache. Third, frayed edges are good, but in small doses. Fourth, the bagginess of your jorts should be proportional to your weight. And fifth — something I have been doing for the past year now — don a fresh adult diaper instead of underwear. It adds ample cushioning to the posterior and prevents one from making those unnecessary trips to the bathroom. Super!

With these pointers in mind, you’re ready to take the next step. But don’t be afraid, little one — you’ll look good doing it!
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