CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 19)
 During your latest hit, as you aim your rifle cross-hairs squarely on the pig-tailed five-year-old heiress of a Mexican drug empire, you will undergo a change of heart that will forever alter the way you live your life. Handsaw it is, then.
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
Growing up in a world overrun with screaming monkeys on roller skates, your grandchildren will wonder just what went wrong.
 PISCES
(February 19 - March 20)
Your unfortunate experience with a cat, a fiddle, a cow, a fork, and a spoon will not become the basis of a latter-day nursery rhyme, but rather one of a proctology exam.
ARIES
(March 21 - April 19)
The lateral positioning of five celestial bodies in the night sky will compel you to buy a telescope, so you can check out this and other interesting things about space.
 TAURUS
(April 20 - May 20)
You will unlock the secret of an ancient Babylonian relic, the flimflam flabbafloobie flackjoid, which is actually just a recipe for really good King Ranch Chicken.
GEMINI
(May 21 - June 20)
 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a sucker punch with brass knuckles just carries a certain oomph.
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CANCER
(June 21 - July 22)
Don't question your existence. It's okay, accidents happen.
LEO
 (July 23 - August 22)
Work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and for God’s sake, run like you just escaped from prison, because that guard isn’t going to be asleep for long!
VIRGO
(August 23 - September 22)
Thanks to you, the world sucks. For you.
LIBRA
(September 23 - October 22)
John Ashcroft is watching over you, knowing your every thought, guiding your every move, courtesy of that secret security camera right there. Over your shoulder, to the left, and up. Yep, right there.
SCORPIO
 (October 23 - November 21)
You will discover a more convenient door for one of your classrooms, which is fine for getting in, but using it to leave spits you into that part in Tango and Cash where Sylvester Stallone shoots that huge oil truck that’s filled with cocaine. Remember?
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22- December 21)
The shining smile of a three-year-old boy will cause tears to poignantly well up in your eyes before you finally ask his mother to tell him to stop making fun of you. |
