April 2004 (v6 i5)
Shirking responsibility since 1997
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Revisionist historian denies father, refuses name
by Chanice Jan, Staff Writer

BOSTON — Local revisionist historian Ron Simpleton, formerly Ron Montague, has begun refusing to acknowledge his father's existence and no longer goes by his given family name.

Simpleton has built his career on revisionist history, a trend in history-writing which emphasizes the telling of events in a manner that radically differs from commonly accepted versions. Not until recently has Simpleton begun applying his professional ethic to his personal life.

After openly denying his father, City Hall bursar William Montague, Simpleton opted to take his mother's maiden name. He cited a sudden epiphany as the reason behind the changes.

"I was at work one day, skewing data to prove that Hiroshima never happened, when it hit me: history is not the only place where dubious events are reported as milestones of human existence - everyday life is filled with similar illusions, too."

"I carefully studied the so-called high points of my life," says Simpleton. "I didn't have much success trying to disprove my high school graduation or when I was born. But then I began to think about my father, and that was the point where my luck completely changed."

When questioned if harbored resentment might have been why he chose to ignore his father's existence, Simpleton asked, "Who?"

"Oh, you mean the government conspiracy to provide my mom with a male counterpart? Yeah, I had one of those. And he was convincing, too - always there to play ball, talk, or help me with homework. He even bought me a car on my sixteenth birthday. I always wondered how he could have afforded it, and now I know: government funds."

Simpleton didn't stop there. Besides writing off his father and changing his name, he refutes such things as the the dangers of smoking and "What's for dinner, honey?"

Between claiming he never left the seat up and convincing their three-year-old son the sky is pink, Simpleton's new outlook on life has his wife irritated and perplexed.

"To believe, or not to believe. That's always the question," she sighs.

Asked what he thought of having his existence refuted by his only child, William Montague simply said, "I have no son."
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