April 2004 (v6 i5)
Shirking responsibility since 1997
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Hot, religious girlfriend an embarrassment
by Elizabeth Barksdale, Associate Editor

CAMPUS — Freshman Kyle Roarke recently impressed all of his friends by dating “totally hot” junior Melanie Howe, until he revealed that she is saving herself for marriage. According to friends, it was at that point that Roarke became “a total joke.”

“At first, nobody could believe that Kyle was dating such a babe,” said Jake Lowell, Roarke’s best friend. “He showed us a picture of her — this really sexy girl wearing a big crucifix — and I was like, ‘No way, she’s not real. How would a chick that hot go for you?’”

Roarke reportedly looked smug as he replied, “Because I know what girls want, man. The ladies can’t get enough of me.”

Roarke’s friends then gave him congratulatory punches on the arm and continued to comment on Howe’s “rockin’ body” and “extreme fuckability.”

Later that week, however, Roarke and Howe came to a party where Lowell and several other of Roarke’s friends were also in attendance.

“I didn’t think it was possible, but Melanie was even hotter in person,” said Jim Peterson, another of Roarke’s good friends. “She had a pretty cool personality, too. Or at least we thought so before she started going on and on about how she couldn’t decide what her favorite book of the Bible was.”

When Roarke left the conversation circle to get another beer, his friends and girlfriend started talking about him.

“We were telling Melanie some story about Kyle,” said Lowell. “And that’s when she suddenly told us she’s — get this — a virgin.”

“I was a little drunk, and I told Kyle’s friends that he’s awesome because he understands my personal religious views,” Howe said. “He’s fine with the fact that I don’t want to have sex or French kiss until marriage.”

“I think Kyle had said something about not telling anyone that, but I’d had a couple drinks and just forgot,” she recalled. “I’m sure it’s not a big deal.”

“She went into this long rant about how the three most important men in her life are the father, son, and Holy Spirit,” said Peterson. “It was so hard not to start cracking up.” “Then Kyle came back, and it was even harder not to laugh. I mean, what the hell’s the point of dating a hot chick if she’s the world’s biggest Jesus freak and won’t give it up? I called Kyle up at 4 a.m. that night and gave him shit about it. I just had to, you know?” continued Peterson, giggling.

Despite Roarke’s multiple claims that he will eventually “talk [Howe] into doing all kinds of kinky stuff, or at least giving a hand job,” his friends have continued to find amusement in hassling him about the situation.

“Last week, we taped a bra and this lingerie thing that we thought looked like a chastity belt to his dorm room door with a sign that said ‘Ask Kyle About Being Pussy-Whipped and Not Getting Any!’ It was so hilarious,” says Lowell.

“Even though Kyle’s totally wrapped around some chick’s little finger, I still miss hanging out with him on Saturday nights,” Lowell added with resignation. “He’s always gotta do something with his dumb girlfriend.”
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