April 2004 (v6 i5)
Shirking responsibility since 1997
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CLASSIFIEDS
Display Rates: $5,403/column inch, payable only in non-negotiable Argentine bearer bonds with two co-signers, triplicate-initialed in Marks-a-Lot and blood

Call for quotes: 555-AD$$
No Ass Pennies! 555-PUMP
Common Abbreviations:
GHM: Gay Hispanic Male
GHF: Great Holy Father
NPP: No Prisoners Please
SWF: Stained-White Fuckpuppet
GLBT: God-Loving Baptist Teens
OPP: Yeah, you know me
BFG: Big Friendly Giant
SEC: Securities and Exchange Commission
ROTFLMAOB: Rolling On The Floor Lauging My Ass Off, Bitch
LPGA: Lesbians Play Golf Also
IRS: Interesting Rough Sex
ROUS: Rodents Of Unusual Size
CPA: Certified Poop Accountant
UTEP: Ugly Titties of El Paso
AAA: Aardvarks Aardvarks Aardvarks
WNBA: Women Needing Better Acronymns
XRTA: Xenophobes Rock Tel Aviv
DNA: Dinosaurs Never Apologize
HEB: Hot Ebony Babes
PIMP: Plantain In My Pocket
YCT: Yay, Craft Time!
LOOKING TO BUY
5832 - Tractor-Trailer Envy
Something to make my penis larger
This is my third month to post this ad and no one has contacted me yet. Please email me. Please! I will pay whatever amount of money no matter how unreasonable. Willing to try anything.
biggerpenis672 @ hotmail.com
FOR SALE
7635 - Dongles
A shit I took this morning

Call Julia Roberts:
555-WEIRD-SMILE

***Lemonade***
I am eight years old. I live on oak street. No one drives on my street. Please buy lemonade. I spendt all my money on this add.
710 - High-Octane Tickle Fights
Wal-Mart bike and three pairs of Bugle Boy jeans.
Will trade for Nintendo, G.I. Joe, or non-hippy foster parents who understand the meaning of birthdays. Call Billy at Herger Elementary.
LOST
335 - Babies' Thongs
HAPPINESS
Last seen at fifth grade soccer game when I scored the winning goal.
681 - Suspender Police
Pog collection with Ninja Star Slammer
Last seen in Zach Fowler's den before mom picked me up after the wrestling fight.
MUSICIANS
0215 - Pornographic Ska Revival
Clarinetist seeking band or any form of human contact.

Bassoonist seeking oboist with double-reed fetish.

Man seeking female trumpeter with swallow valve.
8472 - Small Hands Writhe Tinily
Guy with no talent looking for band to support me.

I am self-absorbed and will take credit for all of the band's success. We will probably make albums for five years and then spend the next decade releasing live albums and greatest hits compilations long after we have broken up. I will break all contact with you while I attempt to be a B-movie actor, but we will all tearfully rejoice for a VH1 special and tour with six other no-talent, mildly popular bands.
6630 - Sad Clowns
Pianist seeking obvious joke.

Oh, what the hell-I'm looking for a hand! And if you're willing to experiment, you can touch my organ!
PERSONALS
2675 - Factory Seals
Pilot seeking wingman. Needs to have goofy mustache, little personality, and cute family. Must be willing to do windmill high-five and die. Call Maverick. Lonely glucose-6-phosphate seeking phosphoglucoisomerase for a commitment, possibly dihydroxy acetone phosphates. Dial 555-LOVE and ask for Krebs.
348 - Overpriced Headcheese
Scrabble afficionado seeking three X's and U Y wait? We can score big.
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