April 2004 (v6 i5)
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Ralph Nader ends run for presidency, plans to walk instead
PALM BEACH, FL - Yesterday, 70-year-old third-party candidate Ralph Nader decided to end his 2004 run for the presidency and walk instead. "I've been running for the past 10 years," said the aging activist. "I'm getting pretty tired, but I'm still unsafe at any speed." Optimistic liberals, unfazed by the 2000 and 1996 election results and over 220 years of American political history, still have hope. "We're smoking a lot more pot this year, so we're completely unaware that this campaign will end up exactly like it did in 1996 and 2000 - nowhere," said Jeff York, a longtime supporter of Nader and inadvertent protester of basic hygiene. "I can't wait until 2008, so we can walk Nader against the next incumbent."

Inside jokes brought up excessively
KANSAS CITY, MO - Newcomer Charles Knott reported that a recent conversation between longtime friends Erica Sanders and Jay Neiss consisted entirely of nonsensical statements followed by hysterical laughter. "Yeah, it was really awkward," says Knott. "I was trying to make small talk by complaining about my 9 a.m. Biology class when out of nowhere Erica smirks and says, 'Biology, eh?' with a raised eyebrow, which made Jay snicker and retort, 'I hope you put your notes in your Biology folder,' making air quotes with his fingers and everything, and then they both cracked up like it was the funniest thing ever." Knott says this was the first of many similarly absurd exchanges he heard that night. "Yep, so basically I spent the whole time listening to the two of them giggle about 'cloners,' a boy named 'MIS,' vegan tacos, Hepatitis Q, how felching is like tossed salad with dressing, and repeated mentions of 'my ass on your list!' To be honest, it was totally lame." Knott paused for a second before grinning and adding, "more like, totally lamerica!"

Radioshack to focus on new batteries, remote control cars
LUBBOCK - Radioshack, a long-time provider of electronic components, has announced that beginning July 2004, stores will phase out all products other than batteries and remote-control cars. Top-level executives have been contemplating the move towards specialty-battery-and-toys-only stores for the past few years and feel that now is the ideal time. Radioshack's trademark frog and spaceship-shaped novelty radios will continue to be sold for a limited time in order to make the transition smoother. "Anyone can see that as the aggregate output increases, and the demand for 12V/2600mAh LDAS batteries remains, we've got ourselves a goldmine," said Tom Router, Director of Sales. "You've got questions, we've got answers -- as well as plenty of 2.4V/650mAh Ni-Cds and Super Street Acura RSX RC cars to go with 'em."

Friend obsessed with unknown band
NORTH CAMPUS - Local eclectic artist Jenny Stern bragged about seeing Sunny Day Rain in concert last weekend to her friend Dana Jameson over coffee at Arachnid House Monday afternoon. "It was so beautiful and amazing," explained Stern. "I'm just lucky I checked a last-minute update to their blog, or else I might have missed it." Jameson, who doesn't share her friend's taste in local complaint rock, tried to steer the conversation towards Sylvia Plath's unappreciated genius, but Stern continued unabated. "Halfway through the show, the lead singer stopped playing to read some poetry he wrote about the war in Iraq." To Jameson's disappointment, Stern had memorized a stanza and repeated it to her. "Our country went to war/What are we fighting for?/They make dying a chore/I hate you, war." As Stern attempted to play the seven minute instrumental that she recorded from the concert, Jameson left to buy a pack of cigarettes and did not return.

Lab partner glad that international student not a terrorist
CAMPUS - After several weeks of doubt, Chemistry freshman Kyle Romaine was delighted to discover that his lab partner, international student Shaya Dudin, was "probably not" a terrorist. "I don't really know much about Arabs," said Romaine, "but it was reassuring to know that my lab partner was not Islamic, let alone an Islamic fundamentalist." Although the breakthrough strengthened Romaine's trust in his partner, the lab proctor still made it a habit to look suspiciously at Dudin as he locked the chemicals away following every lab.

Student takes class, becomes expert
MISSOURI CITY, TX - David Perez returned home over Spring Break after the first half of PSY 301 with a knowledge of psychology unprecedented in his family. His parents soon found that Perez had become a wellspring of perspectives, ideas, and pretentiousness in a field of study with which they were not formally acquainted. Perez shook his head as he recalled his parents' blank stares in response to his attempt to explain their mental ailments. "Yeah, my dad's an engineer, so he had absolutely no idea how his conflict between oral fixation and his manual labor fuels his codependency on my mom," said Perez. "It's so unhealthy."

Tennis player backhands girlfriend
CAMPUS - Amateur tennis player Fred Sampson lost his temper late Tuesday when his live-in girlfriend, Myra Criss, asked him to "clean up after himself for once." The two began arguing loudly about other annoyances like Sampson's tiny sideburn trimmings that are "always all over the bathroom counter" when Sampson allegedly lost control and struck Criss across the face with the back of his hand. Criss called foul and reported the event to the police. "They just weren't a good match from the start," said neighbor and close friend Jenny Price. "There's no way this can end in love, but the ball is in Myra's court now."

Baby unknowingly endorses Bush/Cheney in 2004
HOUSTON - Eight-month-old Ben Martin unwittingly endorsed the re-election campaign of George W. Bush by wearing a white romper that had a Bush/Cheney 2004 logo purchased from Bush's merchandise website. Drool and spit-up adorned the jersey cotton romper with crew neck; the baby was unaware that with the three-snap bottom closure came the blood of hundreds of dead American soldiers and thousands of dead Iraqi civilians. Declining to comment, the baby remained set on gumming the prongs of an unplugged extension cord.

Foreign exchange student yells "shotgun" at wrong time
CAMPUS - During his finance class Tuesday, Romanian foreign exchange student Petre Anatolie called "shotgun" on no particular car for no apparent reason. The outburst sent his fellow students - who had just moments before begun peacefully working on a word problem about the automobile industry - diving behind seats and cowering behind their own raised notebooks and backpacks. "I thought it was something Americans yelled every time someone mentioned cars," explained Anatolie, who was as startled by his classmates' reaction as they were by his spontaneous shouting. "I just wanted to be the first one to yell it. I just wanted people to like me." After the panic subsided and the extremely unnerved students were escorted out of the classroom as they continued to sob, Anatolie's professor was able to figure out the reason for the outburst. "Petre really gave us a scare there," said professor Philip Spacey. "But once the dust settled, we realized it was just a cultural misunderstanding. Y'know - one of those cute, cultural faux pas that leaves everyone involved suffering from post-traumatic stress for years to come."

Texas Exes to employ UT dropouts
CAMPUS - Expanding on its mission to bring together students past and present, the Texas Exes has announced that it will employ university dropouts at the Alumni Center. "I don't see why those students who have failed to maintain a 2.0 GPA shouldn't be allowed to take part in our organization," said Texas Exes President Joseph Kirkson. "As long as they get to work on time and get the hair out of the bathroom sinks, I think it's a fine idea." Those students who are placed on academic probation are offered part and full-time employment should they be dismissed from the university. Jobs range from shoe-shining, to tending the alumni garden, to hand-feeding hors d'oeuvres to alumni at bi-weekly executive meetings. "We're providing these kids with applicable skills for the future," stated Kirkson. "Most of our top employees go on to serve as managers or assistant managers in numerous fast-food restaurants."

Eye-contact with feminist avoided
AUSTIN - Every customer at Frost Bank avoided making eye-contact with feminist Emily Fischer earlier today hoping to deter feelings of vexation, guilt, or utter bewilderment for the extreme anti-matter activist. Fischer's rebellious attitude was spotted by fellow bank patrons thanks to the noosed Barbie head that swung from her satchel, inciting witnesses to feign conversation as to avoid any interaction with the Gender Studies graduate student. From a comfortable distance, one customer noted her "Judd Nelson in Breakfast Club boots" to a friend who snickered back that her Che Guevara shirt was "so 1998."

Afternoon DJ no longer taking shout-outs
ST. PAUL, MN - Mike "The Mack" Mackowski, the rambunctious host of Power 92.7 FM's afternoon radio show, angrily announced during his Tuesday shift that he will no longer be taking shout-outs, effective "right after the break." The decision, which Mackowski had been deliberating since early morning traffic, was finalized after a local sixth-grader called in to deliver a fumbling expression of loyalty to what Mackowski described as "the entire fucking phone book." Four months of relentless "I wanna let Paul know the new peg leg doesn't change anything" and "tell Claudia I didn't mean to punch a vital organ" have driven the otherwise mellow Mackowski to drastic action. "I've had it," he says. "I never want to dedicate 'Suga Suga' to another newly hypoglycemic girlfriend as long as I live."
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