November 2003 (v6 i3)
Doubting the moon landing since 1997
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Seniorís post-grad plans rely on finding treasure
by Jake Wilburn, Managing Editor

A secret copy of the treasure map to success. Quick,
cut it out and eat it!
CAMPUS — Less than a month away from graduating, American Studies major Riley Smith plans to make do in post-academia by means of a large mass of golden treasure which he expects to find in the near future. Smith, who has neglected, until recently, to contemplate the financial repercussions of losing his parents' monthly allowance, has opted to rely on his fanciful dreams to conquer nature's realities.

"A lot of people have done internships and stuff and really have it nailed down what they want to do after college. I've considered a number of different areas where I can apply my skills, but I think my best move at this point is to just find a big load of hidden treasure," said Smith when questioned by an advisor at the Liberal Arts Career Services Center.

Those who know Smith have explained that he has always exhibited a strong passion for wanting to find treasure. Close friend Clark Moyers feels that the individual discovery of free riches has been Smith's calling all along.

"Riley always used to talk about how cool it would be to find a huge thing of treasure and then just spend it like crazy and never have to do shit," reported Moyers. "Now it looks like he's really going for it. Going for the gold, ya know. The gold treasure. Literally."

Smith's younger sister Eileen concurred with Moyers' statement and expressed pride in her older brother's determination.

"You always hear people telling you that you should do something that makes you happy, and that's exactly what Riley is doing with this treasure thing. He seems very confident, too. I really admire him for that."

Smith's reliance on the discovery stems not only from his own desires but also from the fact that, as an upper-middle class college student, he deserves such a fortunate plight. According to Smith, the impressive skills that the wealth of his parents have afforded him make him unfit for and, more or less, above any menial occupation.

"It's not like college is a business interested in taking my rich parents' money," believes Smith. "College is a special place designated for special people, such as myself, who are qualified to learn some stuff sometimes and wear flip-flops every day. It doesn't make sense for a guy well-versed in the Mechanics of Retro to have to do the whole 'working' thing. I've never had too much bogging me down by way of responsibility, so that must be the way God intended it to be."

In regard to the actual search for the treasure, Smith has reported that he's willing to follow a map to considerable lengths, but the prospect of having to dig for the prize presents itself as "kind of a pain in the ass."

Reluctantly addressing the possibility of complications in stumbling upon priceless coins and rare jewels, Smith reports that, if all else fails, he will randomly call a Texas high school and obtain a job as a teacher, therefore demonstrating his virtue and superior intellect to our nation's youth.
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