November 2003 (v6 i3)
Doubting the moon landing since 1997
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Student group makes list of everything liberal
List includes dangerous partisan things such as soccer, pomade, laughing
by Lance Marshall, Design Director

CAMPUS — Encouraged by the success of their "Teachers to Watch Out For" list released right before registration for the spring semester, the UT Student Conservatives have released a new, expanded version that includes other items students should be wary of.

While the original list featured only teachers with perceived "liberal agendas" that might interfere with students' abilities to receive an unbiased education, the newer, more-encompassing list features items students may encounter in their day-to-day lives, including scented candles, stop signs and vegetables.

"After we witnessed how successful our list of teachers was, we realized that there are a lot of people who are concerned about having their lives infiltrated by subtle liberal propaganda," explained Dallas Princely, chairman of the Student Conservatives. "We responded by compiling a database of items, actions, locations, and abstract thoughts that may have vicious liberal undertones."

Some students around campus have readily accepted the new list, and they have begun to use it as a guideline for how to live their lives.

"I absolutely love the new list," said Marcella Cruz, a Mechanical Engineering sophomore. "I couldn't tell you how many times I wondered if smoking American Spirit cigarettes and watching CNN would make you a hippie, and now I know that it definitely will, even if you only try it once."

The widespread adoption of the list is not without its difficulties, however.

"Just this last weekend, my grandmother tried to give me a new car for my birthday," Cruz said. "But it was a Saturn, and the list said that I can't keep the car, and I'm not allowed to see her anymore because of it. I can't believe Nana would try to poison my mind like that."

According to Princely, the list serves a vital function to the community by filling a void of conservative political leadership among the student body. Some students, however, disagree with the teachings of the list.

"The list is bullshit, man," said Theo Ratif, a Classics senior. "Liberalism is not evil; it's just an alternative way to look at our bourgeois, racist, capitalist society so that you can be pissed off all the time. It's not like we don't come up with plans to make the world better, though. Just the other day, I had the great idea that the government should have an 80 percent income tax rate, and then give all that money to the poor people, that way there wouldn't be any more poor people." Ratif paused to sip his wheatgrass soda, adding, "If you want to check out some more of my ideas, you can read my blog at howarddeanrocksmyface.com."

Princely's response to Ratif's statement was harsh and very neatly typed.

"You see, it's just that kind of pinko commie draft-dodging bullshit that we're trying to help people avoid," Princely said. "Theo obviously neglected to consider the socio-economic ramifications of unilaterally implementing such a socialist fiscal policy. What a dickweed."

Despite the obviously damaging effects of being placed on such an influential list, some of the blackballed items have taken the public relations hit in stride.

"Frankly, sir, I don't give a damn if some yank placed me on his bleedin' list of liberals," said Soccer, lounging on a davenport inside his flat in East Sussex. "I would rather spend my time watching Rowan Atkinson on the box than worry about the Student Conservatives and all of their codswallop."

Soccer, also known to his British friends as "Football," then proceeded to hop into his Jaguar and drive to Liverpool, where he and Michael Owen sat on the pitch at Anfield, getting sozzled on pint after pint of Boddington's while singing 'Scouser Tommy' and snogging heavily.
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