November 2003 (v6 i3)
Doubting the moon landing since 1997
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Home-schooled kid runs for Class President
by Kristin Hillery, Advertising Director

AURORA, CO — Thirteen-year-old homeschooled student Derek Mickleson recently announced his plans to run for Class President. Mickleson, who reads at a fourth grade level, made his decision to run for office after hearing various complaints made by his younger sister about important issues they both face during the school day, ranging from the “grossy-oso” cold meatloaf served for lunch to having to “watch Mom’s ‘stories’” instead of Nickelodeon.

“Things need to change around here, and I’m just the man to do it,” said Mickleson to his mother and sister while on a morning errand to the grocery store. “If I’m elected Class President, I’ll see to it that we’ll get to eat pizza for lunch every day, and also Mom can’t try to make us do division again because that’s no fun!”

Later in the day, Mickleson continued to discuss his plans for improvement when, instead of working with alphabet stencils and Finding Nemo coloring books, the three of them went to the post office. After mailing some bills and letters, Mrs. Mickleson decided to acknowledge her son’s campaigning efforts.

“Sweetheart, it is so wonderful that you’ve decided to run for Class President. Can either of you tell me who the first President of the United States of America was?”

Both Derek and his sister stared at the ground in silence, shrugging their shoulders.

“Mom, c’mon. You know we haven’t gotten to that stuff yet,” Mickleson responded.

Derek’s lack of political and common knowledge did not stop him from embarking on a feverish political campaign, for which he constructed various posters with clever slogans.

“Mom let me use markers instead of crayons,” Mickleson said. “So I wrote some keen stuff like ‘If you care-ek, vote for Derek.’”

As the only candidate running in the election, Mickleson is optimistic about receiving at least fifty percent of the votes but is overly cautious about not upsetting an important constituency, his younger sister—especially after last week’s Indian rug burn scandal.
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