November 2003 (v6 i3)
Doubting the moon landing since 1997
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Police Blotter
for the week of November 17-21


12:38AM, MONDAY
SNACK ATTACK
A student was found violently shaking a vending machine in the Goodall Wooten dormitory, shouting expletives followed by the word “Twix!” When the perpetrator was ordered to leave the premises, he sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. Night stick thrashing was required to calm the suspect.

2:12PM, TUESDAY
HOBO HOSE-DOWN
A homeless man sleeping on the third floor of the Union was woken up by an officer and asked to show his identification. The suspect attempted to leave without fulfilling the officer’s request. Mace was promptly sprayed in the suspect’s eyes and mouth until he became paralyzed.

11:27AM, WEDNESDAY
NO SANTA
A group of preschool children on leashes were seen jaywalking across Guadalupe Street. An officer told the children that Santa Claus was not real, then locked them in a closet.

3:04PM, FRIDAY
DANCE TICKET
A motorist was pulled over for speeding on Inner Campus Drive. Upon questioning, the driver inquired about the officer selling tickets to the annual Policemen’s Ball, to which the officer replied, “Policemen do not have balls.” The officer had no choice but to pull out his firearm, shoot the suspect in the legs, key his car, and alert area paramedics to not answer any calls about gunshot wounds.
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