November 2003 (v6 i3)
Doubting the moon landing since 1997
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Sorry about your shoes and the carpet
by Phil the Dog, Your Best Friend

Arf! Welcome back! I missed you! Have a kiss. How was your day? Let’s play fetch.

Here, I’ll sit for you. Lay down? Roll-over? Shake? Arf!

Where were you all afternoon? Sometimes I worry. I slept a lot today. Arf!

You seem upset. What do you mean, “what’s that?” Those are the chew toys you left for me. Oh. They weren’t? Those were your shoes? Leather? I thought they were rawhide. Yes, I know they’re covered in slobber because I chewed on them, silly. Heh heh. Ruined? Jesus, I’m sorry. Honest, I didn’t realize––I’m colorblind you know. I don’t speak English all that well, either. Arghf!

You know what would cheer you up? How about a trip to the park? Let’s go to the park. Arf! Heh heh. The park is awesome!

I’m hungry. I was napping. I need more chew toys. I like the squeaky ones. Let’s run around the block. Will you scratch my belly?

What’s that smell? What’s what smell? Bacon? Yummy, yummy, yummy. Delicious real bacon in that bag.

Oh, by the way, I had an accident behind the couch. I couldn’t hold it so long. I love you. Maybe it was that leftover spaghetti you fed me. Arf!

Are you mad at me? Why? Arf! I’m sorry about that time I ripped up your carpet, and that time I puked on your pillow, and when I tore the stuffing out of your comforter. I didn’t listen when you told me not to bite. I bit you. But I was teething! Hrmmm!

I’m a big embarrassment! Arghf! I know you hate it when my flesh rocket is out and I’m humping your arm, or the cat, or that greyhound, but I have pretty large nuts for a dog, and you can’t blame me for doing what comes natural to me—doing other dogs.

Let’s face it, I mess up everything—your school notebook, the bottom part of your door, the baseboards, your eyeglasses, that wood part on your chair, and your cell phone. I eat cat shit and I growl at your neighbors. Grrrrrrr, grrrrrr! Heh heh. That’s funny. You’re my best friend. Let’s play.
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