November 2003 (v6 i3)
Doubting the moon landing since 1997
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College guys are easy!
by Kimmy Liswatz, Ingenue Freshman

Wow, everyone said college was going to be a lot different from high school, and boy, were they right! Classes are a lot bigger and it’s taken awhile for me to find my way around UT. But the biggest discovery that I’ve made so far is that boys are really easy!

I was really surprised when I started to find this out. I’ve been in all-girls’ schools since about like fourth grade and Mom and Daddy always told me that boys weren’t really interested in sex, at least not until they were about 30 years old. Everyone at church said the same thing, like nobody really has sex till they’re at least 25. The media feeds us a bunch of lies, but I’m safe because I know that!

Last weekend, my roomie at Hardin House, Diane, asked me to go to a party with her. That was really nice of her! She even let me borrow a skirt because she said that all my ankle-length skirts I bought at Kohl’s were kind of out of style right now. She was like, “Kimmy, you’re a pretty girl, you don’t have to look Amish all the time.” Diane’s so funny! Sometimes I wish I was her. Well, not really because Mom and Dad have always told me that I’m God’s special young lady.

Anyway, we went to this party in West Campus, and it was so much fun! I danced with some boys for the first time (except for square dancing with my youth group pals at church), so I couldn’t dance too great. It was okay though ‘cause everyone was pretty drunk off the kegger thingy by then. So this guy––um, Josh I think was his name––asked me if I wanted to come upstairs with him to see his CD collection. He was telling me I looked really hot, and I was a little tipsy. I went out on a limb and asked him if I could kiss him on the mouth and maybe use my tongue to touch his tongue and massage it just like Sarah Michelle Gellar taught Selma Blair in Cruel Intentions. I was expecting him to laugh and call me silly because no one kisses until their wedding night, unless they’re a movie star. But all of a sudden, we started making out! And whattaya know, I got my first kiss and my first lay that very same night!

After that, I went back down to the party and danced some more. I thought maybe Josh was just a weirdo because he liked sex, but then I asked a couple other guys if they wanted to have sex, and we ended up having a threesome! I was like “wow, these guys are really loose!” This is great!

When Diane and I were going home, she was like, “Geez, Kimmy, I didn’t know you could be such a slutwagon. I feel like I’ve created a monster.” I just laughed and thanked her for taking me to such a fun party. I said I couldn’t wait to tell my parents about how they were so wrong about boys, but Diane said that might be a bad idea. She said college kids don’t always tell their folks everything, and instead I should tell Mom and Dad that I don’t have time to do anything but study for my super hard college classes when they ask me what I’ve been up to. It works like a freakin’ charm!

So ever since that first really cool party, I’ve been doing the normal things—going to my classes sometimes, having oral sex in the stacks at the PCL, going to parties, meeting new people––mainly lots and lots of guys, most of them totally willing to give it up. They’ll do it just about any time and any place! I mean, I’ll have sex in the nicer restrooms on campus, but you’d be surprised how many guys will have anonymous sex in any bathroom, no matter how nasty or smelly it is. I have noticed that somebody’s written my name and number on a lot of mens’ rooms’ walls. This was really nice of them! It helps me have even more sex with these nice, desperate UT man-whores. I just can’t get over how easy they are!
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