November 2003 (v6 i3)
Doubting the moon landing since 1997
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I am NOT a liar
by Ima Liar, Guest Columnist

Look. My parents thought it would be cute. I think they're fucking idiots. Our last name is actually pronounced “lee-YAR.” It's Basque, for God's sake. My dad says my mom really pushed for it. I think he is just trying to hide the fact that he is a damn woman.

Anyway, believe me: I couldn't lie if I wanted to. I've tried. A lot. No one believes me, even when I'm telling the truth. The worst is when they ask how I'm feeling. I went to a psychiatrist for a little bit, but he never believed I was being honest with him. Any relationships I have been able to forge have never gotten to the point where people are willing to leave me unmonitored in a room of their house for more than a few minutes, like I'm a lowlife thief. I can’t ever expect to get laid; that’s why I frequent prostitutes so much.

Imagine any and every situation in which I give my name or use my ID. Can you even imagine what a fucking hassle it is? The fact of the matter is I avoid as much as possible any situation where I might have to give someone my real name. I’m not even going to mention what happens every time I get pulled over. Okay, I will: Full body cavity search. God, life is unfair.

My parents had their “reasons”:

Nobody else has your name. And nobody else would want it. It makes me want to kill myself. I wish I were normal.

It's unique. So is Lou Gehrig's disease, and you don't see it being celebrated. Do you? I didn’t think so.

People will remember you. Just like they remember people with bad haircuts and thick accents. I would love, for once, to give my name without someone remembering me and the hell that is my name.

Needless to say, I haven’t spoken to my parents since I was in the seventh grade. I think they might be dead by now…. I dunno, who cares? Jerks.

Yeah, I plan on getting it changed, but do you no how hard it is to just pick some arbitrary set of words out of the air to be your new, permanent name? Yeah, think about that. That sucks, too. Plus, when I go to the damn courthouse or whatever to change my name, I know those bastards are gonna have a good laugh at my expense.

I hate it when people laugh at me.
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