November 2003 (v6 i3)
Doubting the moon landing since 1997
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The importance of looking earnest
by Aaron Reynolds, Lifestyles Columnist

Donít think that people fail to notice how foolish you look. You drive past the same block three times, prompting bystanders to say, ďThat man would be excellent in a dipshit bouillabaisse.Ē You begin crossing the street only to find a car wants to turn right, and proceed to trip over yourself like a man with no ankles on a floor of marbles. You havenít the slightest concept of preparation, and in a stumbling clamor you announce that you are one of the mindless stool pigeons in a huddled mass of tarred-and-feathered no-brains.

You probably have to send the same e-mail time after time, failing repeatedly to attach the appropriate file. Or maybe you stand in the one long line that drudges along, fanning to two service people instead of skipping everyone else and using the second clerk outright. But one thing is for sure: we all see that you are a complete moron.

So since youíre desperately in need of a kick in the ass to stop looking like such an idiot, I thought Iíd take it upon myself to give you a few tips on looking cool and like youíre at the only place that counts: on top. These are just personal practices, mind you, that can help prevent people from thinking you look dumb, which I can see that you are, but weíll just have to work with what we have.

Skip steps. Thereís no better way to look like a total badass than to ascend at twice the normal rate. While all those inefficient lemmings behind you are shuffling up one stair at a time, you will emanate productivity and show them just how superfluous and utterly futile all that stepping is.

Swing doors open really hard. Donít worry, the people on the other side will only think about how gallant you are, eclipsing any awkwardness they might have felt upon approaching the blurred entrance. People love someone who is assertive, and opening a door timidly is the last thing you want someone to see you execute and consequentially brand you officially a ďpussy.Ē

When in conversation, look aloof. People respect someone that has a lot to do, and looking around, especially avoiding direct eye contact, is an excellent way to establish that youíve got something serious to attend to. And if someone doesnít seem impressed when you do this, donít be discouraged. They obviously canít perceive the world in the smart, highly efficient way that you do. Some people just canít understand that oftentimes little squirrels and women are more interesting to look at than them. I know.

Conspicuously ponder embarrassment. If you have made a mistake, like a bird flies really close to you or you walk into a vendorís kiosk, let everyone know just how anomalous this is. By sitting on your ass and chuckling to yourself, shaking your head, you effectively communicate to everyone that you are normally ready for anything. However, as unprepared as you were for this incident, you also let people know that you are willing to learn and use the case study to be ready for next time.

At this point I feel that I have established a good foundation for you to work with in order to make up for your years of public idiocy. Say hello if you ever see me; most likely itíll be in an elevatoróIíll be the guy standing right in front of the doors, ready for success.
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