November 2003 (v6 i3)
Doubting the moon landing since 1997
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Son-of-a-bitch tries to clear name
Less one-night stands a step in the right direction
by Christie Young, Administrative Assistant

DALLAS — Ron Edlin, known by most as a "real S.O.B.," has been trying unsuccessfully to rid himself of a reputation that has followed him since preschool. Edlin has been referred to as a "complete assclown" by family, friends, ex-girlfriends, and librarians.

Edlin recently admitted to being a chronic ass-grabber and cat-caller, especially when he patronizes local bars and clubs.

"When the ladies have a gargantuan rack staring you right in the face, what's wrong with staring right back?" said Edlin, who later admitted to being unaware of sexual harassment laws and the unspoken yet well-understood codes of social interaction.

"I don't know what everybody's problem is. I mean, is every girl on the rag or what? Ridin' the crimson wave? Sailin' the red sea?" said the complete asshole, raising an eyebrow. "It's like every time I don't ask for a girl's phone number after shackin', I get some major hate."

An intervention was held by Edlin's parents and friends last Tuesday, in hopes of curing him of what most refer to as "serious asshole-ishness." The intervention appeared to have an effect on Edlin, who showed a slight interest in volunteering at a local hospital. The success, however, was short-lived, as Edlin quickly inquired about how many "hot chicks" he would get to sponge bathe.

So far, Edlin has made little progress in his pursuit of a clean name. While he has in fact "yielded to more pedestrians" and remembered to "ask what her name was before unbuttoning her pants," his affinity for vodka and laughing at disabilities has been counterproductive.

Marie and Stewart Edlin, Ron's parents, believe their son's misogyny is a result of hanging out with the "bad crowd" and watching too much late night cable rather than a lax upbringing or what scientists refer to as the "complete prick" gene.

Though they have been successfully coping with their son's behavior for years now, the Eldins continue to worry that Ron will tarnish the family name.

"Marie and I live simple lives, and we let Ron live his," said a pensive Edlin Sr. "If that means going to tittie bars and what have you, so be it. I don't tell him how to live his life, but I certainly don't want to be talked about around the neighborhood on account of being the father of a 'son-of-a-bitch.'"

"Oh, you don't like being the father of a son-of-a-bitch?" interrupted Mrs. Edlin, her voice quivering with emotion. "Nobody's calling him a son-of-a-bastard! What do you think that says about me? I'm a very nice woman! I go to church! And I'm not a bitch!"

Denise Wester, general manager of a local business, recalls interviewing him for the position of mail clerk. "All that insensitive jerk did was look at my chest before answering any questions, like they would tell him what to say. And he kept fondling himself, which was pretty sick," said Wester. "He even offered to 'clerk' me. I don't know what that means, but I wasn't interested in finding out."

Despite incriminating evidence to the contrary, Edlin has continued to show concern about his unfortunate reputation and hopes that he will be seen in a better light by being called merely "a big jerk" within the coming months. He continued to explain that the new name would be more fitting, as he really does have "an enormous jerk."
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