 CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 19)
Relax a little this month! No one knows about the hand puppet pornos you perform and tape in front of the mirror every night. Take it easy and enjoy yourself!
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
“Do Not Eat” warnings aren’t real. They’re only scare tactics employed by scheming corporations to deprive you of the mouth-watering treat of silica gel.
 PISCES
(February 19 - March 20)
Your frequent viewing of NBC’s Will and Grace will further support your opinion that homosexuals are horny, superficial clowns.
ARIES
(March 21 - April 19)
 The prophecy that has been with you since that fateful day in Mr. Wong's Recovered Treasures Trade Shop shall be fulfilled. Don't rub all that evil shit off on me, dead man.
TAURUS
(April 20 - May 20)
A thought-provoking bumper sticker will turn you from an apathetic nobody with neutral world views into an apathetic nobody with neutral world views who thinks thought-provoking bumper stickers are stupid.
GEMINI
(May 21 - June 20)
This semester will be your last. Why? I don’t know… maybe you’ll die or something? Who cares? Stop asking me questions.
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CANCER
(June 21 - July 22)
The OC slowly begins to consume your every waking moment. Imagine that.
LEO
(July 23 - August 22)
 You will figure out pi. Yeah. Shit, no. You will figure out pie.
VIRGO
(August 23 - September 22)
You will finally muster up the courage to use the word “emoticon” in a sentence. Thankfully, no one will notice.
LIBRA
(September 23 - October 22)
After checking the shift linkage, clutch engagement, front-wheel transaxles, tailshaft and driveshaft seals, flywheel bolts, transversely mounted engine, and resultant torque, you’ll realize that the moped you got for your birthday needs a brake-check. Seriously.
SCORPIO
(October 23 - November 21)
 You will neglect your studies and drink beer. With friends or alone, whatever, you will be drinking.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22- December 21)
You will have fun on Fridays because Fridays are made for fun!!! |
