November 2003 (v6 i3)
Doubting the moon landing since 1997
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Man, thirteen pregnant women emerge from elevator
by John Roper, Staff Writer

Look at his crotch. Look!
NEWARK, NJ — Months after the August 14 blackout that brought much of the Northeast to a halt, maintenance men in a Newark skyscraper stumbled across a group, one man and thirteen pregnant women, climbing out of a service elevator shaft Saturday, apparently having been stuck in the elevator since the fiasco. Strangely, the group had survived the three months in cramped conditions without proper nourishment or bathroom facilities, somehow managing to go completely unnoticed in one of two service elevators in an active office building.

“We had no idea what had happened to the world outside of this elevator. So we thought it was our duty to further the human race and restart civilization,” said Robert Leckert. “It was a general consensus.”

“What?” added an incredulous Leckert, shrugging his shoulders. “Don't look at me like that.”

“It was really Robert's idea,” said Sheryl Normick, “We kind of just caved after the third week or so.” The other women, ranging from ages 24 to 42, both married and single among the group, nodded and silently stared at the floor.

They were finally rescued after Mr. Leckert discovered that the emergency hatch hadn't been locked all along. He recalled the moment: “I could have sworn that hatch was locked the first time I checked. I just kind of chuckled and thought, ‘Well, hell. Whaddya know?’”

Each of the individuals had separately been reported missing by their respective loved ones, but the search efforts were called off after “everybody got kind of tired.”

Each of the women has said she wants to return to her normal life and “never speak of this again.” Leckert is expected to return to his job as a bike messenger as soon as he “finds the asshole that stole [his] wheels.”

The women are all due between June and July of next year, should they choose to carry the children to term.
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