November 2003 (v6 i3)
Doubting the moon landing since 1997
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Feral children found roaming South Mall
Initially unidentifiable creatures deemed human
by Christie Young, Administrative Assistant

CAMPUS — A surprise to both the University and community alike, a pack of small bestial children were found last Thursday amidst the concrete rubble of the South Mall. Although the area has been under construction for many months, the wolf-raised humans have found it an ideal habitat for both living and breeding.

The discovery was made by Connor Trumble, a Philosophy sophomore. "I was just lying in the grass doing a little thinking, you know, looking for meaning and shit, when I see these animals humping like crazy," lamented Trumble. "They must have been going at it for 15 minutes, and it wasn't like any of that Discovery Channel shit. This was fucking hot."

After moving closer to get a better look at the unusually sensual breeding, Trumble then realized that the hairy, mud-covered critters were actually human. Despite his obvious arousal, Trumble got up and alerted UTPD.

"We figured it was just your cut and dried case. I suspected it was a college student all spaced out on a marijuana joint," said Officer O'Doyle. "Who would have thought we would actually find these bizarre animal-people?"

The discovery has shed new light on a rise in the crime rate on the South Mall. Repeated reports of missing bongos, grocery bags, and tattoos should have been an indicator that something unusual was afoot, but the complaints went unnoticed. One of the many typically lax drum circles became concerned after suffering a mysterious three-drum loss one afternoon, which was recently attributed to the feral pack. The bongos can be seen amidst the concrete slabs near Benedict Hall, housing many of the bestial newborns.

Local Animal Control was immediately called in to help contain the creatures. The control officers, however, sustained a few minor injuries.

"I was going in to pick up one of the little ones, when out of nowhere I felt teeth biting through my protective gloves," said Animal Control officer Doug Simmons. "It started clawing at my midsection, but I was luckily able to yank a handful of its ample hair until it let go."

Simmons admitted that the finding is extremely unusual, given the location. Most feral children are found in jungles or other plant-filled territories close to their surrogate family.

"I'm not going to lie," admitted Simmons. "I've actually never even heard of this happening. Maybe in Canada or Austria, but not here. I really wasn't aware that wolves were a problem on campus, let alone their hideous beast-children."

After much deliberation, authorities decided to let the animal-people remain in the construction areas on the South Mall, despite the problems that could occur.

"Their ferocious behavior and untamed breeding are a small price to pay for what might be learned from these beasts," explained Biology professor Dr. John Thompson. "We only ask that you don't feed them."

Signs advising visitors to look after their personal belongings have since been placed on the South Mall.
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