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Bush ruins 1,000-year-old Masonic bid for world domination by Ryan Martinez, Associate Editor
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 WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Bush accidentally revealed his role in a 1,000 year-old global conspiracy during a routine press conference Wednesday, ruining the carefully-laid plans of a secret society of powerful white men whose existence had previously only been rumored.
The verbal blunder, which unraveled the designs of a clandestine organization that traces its origins to the medieval Knights Templar, came in response to a series of questions about the President's education policy. When reporter Janet Turnbee of The Washington Post inquired about the 'No Child Left Behind' plan, Bush appeared to carefully consider his words before speaking.
"I don't really know much about that, but I do know that I'm a crucial player in an international conspiracy that aims to dissolve all the world's governments and form a New World Order within the next five years," the President accidentally sputtered. "Andbelieve me when I say that, with my Illuminati brothers now in possession of the Holy Grail, there won't be much to stop us."
The President, realizing his slip-up, then coyly covered his mouth with his right hand while press secretary Scott McClellan quickly stepped in to shield him from a barrage of follow-up questions. Moments after Vice President Dick Cheney, whose face shone a livid red, ushered Bush off the stage and out of view, the two leaders returned to allow the President the opportunity to conclude the conference.
"Haha! I had ya there for a second, huh?" said Bush, attempting to convince the group of reporters that his earlier comments were in jest. "Ya see, I was playing a joke on you. Because I thought it was April Fool's Day. Because I do things like that, on account of my being an idiot. You don't actually believe that I'm the catalyst for a massive coup d'etat that will plunge every nation into a state of chaos which will allow the rise of a satanic totalitarian world-state whose sole purpose is to eradicate Christianity and all of Western culture. Do you?"
Bush nervously laughed, then added: "I mean, you couldn't possibly entertain the idea that I'm a Mason of the 33rd Degree and an alumnus of the Order of Skull and Bones, who's been secretly placed into power by the machinations of an invisible network of Illuminati intent on making me the anti-messianic herald of their Bavarian apocalypse? That's just too crazy to believe, right? Right?"
Bush then yanked the collar of his shirt as if to release a steamy jet of body heat, his eyes searching for assistance from Cheney, who by that time was banging his forehead on the press room backdrop.
"Daddy is going to be so mad at me for this," Bush whimpered into the microphone.
Since Wednesday's revelation, the international press has been swarming around world leaders, conspiracy theorists and exposed Illuminati, hoping to piece together the entire plot that Bush unwittingly exposed. One high-ranking Mason, who asked not to be identified, expressed the frustration that many in the underground organization are feeling now that centuries of meticulous planning have been completely negated.
"I had to kill my own wife in order to keep the secret of the brotherhood," the source said. "My son had to grow up without a mother. After she found out about us, I did what I felt had to be done in order to keep us on track. And for what? So a dim-witted figurehead can ruin it all in a single breath? She was the love of my life, goddamnit."
While conspirators have met the disclosure with anguish, conspiracy theorists have reacted with an immense sense of vindication.
"Man, President Bush is like a retarded ventilator clearing up the smoke-filled rooms of a thousand nondescript white men," said Howie James, webmaster of a Geocities site about conspiracy theories, cryptozoology and urban exploration. "I've been saying what Bush just admitted to for years, man. Freakin' years. It's only a matter of time before Zsa Zsa Gabor breaks down and admits her part in the whole affair. This is like Christmas for me."
James paused, then qualified: "Well, Christmas without the kind of crass commercialism engineered by the corporate tentacles of the Illuminati, of course." |
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