November 2003 (v6 i3)
Doubting the moon landing since 1997
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The Strokes revive garage rock revival of 2001
NEW YORK, NY – In a brash move that critics are labeling “retro-retro,” major label indie band The Strokes have revived the ’60s garage rock revival of 2001 with the release of their sophomore LP, Room on Fire. Identical in sound to their two-year-old debut, the new disc takes listeners on a journey to the long-gone days when hipsters fretted over the authenticity of their vintage Mickey Mouse t-shirts and President Bush faced criticism about his competence. “One thing I love about The Strokes is how they don’t try to hide their diverse influences,” said music critic Josh Garcia. “All 11 songs off Is This It? are reflected in the new album, whether it be the ‘Soma’-esque jingle-jangle of ‘You Talk Way Too Much’ or the ‘Take it or Leave it’-like melodic bluster of ‘12:51.’ They’re so good at rehashing their own sound from two years ago, you almost forget that their sound was just a rehash of Velvet Underground and Television in the first place.”

Fast-walking student frustrated with dawdlers, wheelchairs
CAMPUS – Restless student Aaron Fisk was at a loss last Thursday when confronted with hoards of slow-walking pedestrians around campus. A self-proclaimed fast-walker since the fifth grade, Fisk found the leisurely-paced walkers infuriating. While he has admitted to not having any place in particular that he’s hurrying to, he would rather get there more quickly. After employing his typically successful tactics of making audible sighs, huffs, and eye-rolls, Fisk decided that more aggressive maneuvers such as pushing and nudging were necessary in order to move past the dawdlers. “Do they all suffer some sort of leg-deficiency where they’re not capable of walking the slightest bit faster?” said an exasperated Fisk. “And what’s with people having conversations while they walk?! They take up two spaces! I mean come on, talk about inefficiency. That sure as hell isn’t going to get you anywhere on time.” Fisk also expressed annoyance with the elderly and wheelchair users, insisting that moving at any pace less than brisk limits one’s ability to function within a normal society.

Local student defies Nature by disliking Shawshank Redemption
AUSTIN, TX – Engineering sophomore Herman Doggett horrified a group of friends at a get-together Friday night when he vehemently voted against watching The Shawshank Redemption, claiming that the universally-loved parable of hope and redemption “just didn’t do it” for him. His rebuke of the film, which stars Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman as prison inmates who share an unbreakable friendship, disproved a truism that had stood unchallenged since the movie’s 1994 release: that it is impossible for a person who has seen the entire film to dislike it. “When he said that, I think I went deaf for about a minute,” said Shannon Liu, organizer of the movie night. “Everyone I know likes that movie. Everyone. It’s a requirement for being human.” Friends responded to Doggett’s comments with dropped jaws, incredulous glances, and, in one case, cerebral hemorrhaging. After Doggett swiftly dismantled their entire belief systems with a single phrase, the group was too stunned to protest his insistence that they spend the night watching 1999’s Bicentennial Man.

Student enrolled in self-paced class files complaint against self
CAMPUS – William O’Connor, a student in a self-paced anthropology class, filed a complaint against his teacher, William O’Connor at the Office of Ombudsman last Friday. “The instructor seemed pretty cool at first,” read O’Connor’s statement. “He really got my offbeat sense of humor. Then he started coming to class hung-over and smelly. Soon he just stopped teaching altogether, but he still made me take my damn monkey tests. Of course, I ended up failing. I’m ashamed to go to a school that appoints inept failures like O’Connor.” Written hastily in the margin, O’Connor added: “Monkeys throw shit like O’Connor for breakfast.” Instructor O’Connor was not available for comment.

Racist Man Can’t Help Jamming to New Nelly Song
GARLAND, TX – Richard Spicer, a 37-year-old maintenance employee at a Garland public golf course, admitted last Thursday that he finds the catchy beat of Nelly’s new rowdy sex anthem “Gimme Your Ass (Ho)” irresistible despite his contempt for the artist’s skin color. Frustrated, Spicer disclosed to a coworker, “Goddamit, now I don’t agree with this fella’s existence, you know. I mean, I think him and all his buddies are just bad. But this fuckin’ song really jams, man. I mean, shit.” Since first hearing the song on a coworker’s radio, Spicer had grudgingly suppressed chanting the chorus to avoid placing in jeopardy his reputation as a prideful bigot. However, the urge became irresistible after repeated subjection to the song. “Gimme your ass, ho. What? What? Gimme your ass, ho. Gimme! Gimme!” sang Spicer while fertilizing the back nine. “It’s just so damn catchy. I guess I can kind of see the draw for all the ‘rappin’ and ‘hoppin’ those people enjoy so much. But they are still a stain on this great country and all.”

Timely ‘just kidding’ makes otherwise rude comment OK
LANSING, MI – When Amy Donovan asked longtime friend Sarah Billings, “Does this skirt make my butt look fat?” she expected to hear routine denial and half-hearted justification. Instead, Donovan was shocked when Billings’ answer was, “Your butt makes your butt look fat.” Donovan stood horrified and confused for a split second until Billings grinned and announced, “Just kidding!” Donovan then playfully threw a pillow in Billings’ direction, jokingly calling her a “bitch,” and the two pals proceeded to happily assault each other with stuffed animals.

Sperm clinging on for dear life in tight, kinky pants
CAMPUS – Despite a robust, outward display of sexuality, one usually derivative of the very items that suffocated their life, UT student Rich Littlespoon continued to wear the black, chain-jingling pants that silently took the lives of millions of his sperm. “What good is getting a chick if you can’t knock her up?” said ACGCGTA…ATGT, a strand of DNA in the seminal vesicles of Littlespoon’s left testicle. After a long day riding his bike around campus, Littlefield returned to his apartment, where he smoked large quantities of marijuana, drank two liters of Mountain Dew and ate only the yellow Skittles out of a “Family Size” bag.

Suicide note dry-erased
CAMPUS – An anguished farewell was wiped clean from RA Jessica Pena’s door-mounted marker board early Sunday morning before anyone had a chance to read it. The alleged eraser, Misty Clarkson, 19, was returning home intoxicated when she spotted the board and decided it would be a good opportunity to showcase her inebriated wit. Not noticing the grim message left by her suicidal hallmate, Clarkson supplanted the painful goodbye with a string of misspelled swear words and an invalid phone number. Charges of negligence will not be filed as the student’s self-destructive plans were thwarted by an uplifting “ur the gratest” comment on her weblog.

Pro-life activist surprisingly good at dark humor
CAMPUS – Voicing his belief in the sanctity of human life, missionary Norman Clowes demonstrated his skill at the art of dark satire by displaying grim anti-abortion signs with wryly hilarious captions about death. “Yes sir, I came up with that one,” said Clowes, pointing to a giant poster of a mangled fetus with a caption reading, “Homeland Security? They forgot someone.” “Take that, abortionists,” Clowes said, laughing. “I wanted to include one of those smiley faces with the tongue sticking out to let people know it was a joke, but I think that would have been a little distasteful.” Clowes, an avid reader of Mark Twain and Jonathan Swift, intended for his sign to satirize the hypocrisy of the U.S. government’s tolerant stance on abortion. “Hey, if the pro-choice people can’t stand the heat of my comedic fire, they should get out of the abortion clinic. My gruesome signs make those baby-killers look like the assholes they are,” Clowes said. He then paused to admire his handiwork for thirty uninterrupted seconds, a proud smile spreading over his face.

Forward-thinking graduate student remains smug despite lack of rain
CAMPUS – Standing outside the Perry Casteñeda Library, graduate student Phillip Berger leaned on his umbrellacane, the ever-present extension of his arm since his junior year. Without a single drop of rain in two weeks, Mr. Berger was fully aware that the forecast was clear through the end of the week. “I'm not an ignorant neophyte. I know the chance of rain is less than 10 percent today, thank you very much.” He then continued to stroll at a stridently casual and relaxed pace, heading toward nowhere in particular. Pausing in front of Gregory Gym to look up, Phillip did not let the clear sky disturb his smirk as he said to himself, “Someday.”

Student experiences brief motivation, relief
AUSTIN, TX – Jacob Werner flirted with achievement yesterday afternoon when a new and unfamiliar ambition bubbled from within. The French junior markedly pledged to “accomplish something today,” and proceeded to sift through a few papers strewn upon his hybrid desk-hamper. While considering his choices of late notices and scholarship essays, Werner’s spark of motivation was suddenly smothered by his roommate’s return home just minutes later. “I was about to go online to check something when he walked in,” said Werner. “He got home from work and he was like, ‘Yo! Time for a nugg or what?’ Boy was I glad he was there to set me straight.” The roommates decided to watch Rodney Dangerfield’s Back to School in their immobile state, switching frequently to E! and BET in search of half-naked women.
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