October 2003 (v6 i2)
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TX State recruits Sinbad, Scott Bakula for ragtag football team
by John Roper, Staff Writer

SAN MARCOS, TX — At a recent Board of Regents meeting, officials at Southwest Texas University decided on a name change for the school. The new name: Texas State University. With the name change, the board hopes to achieve an image overhaul from being a backward, rundown, bumpkin state college that caters to University of Texas at Austin rejects to being a backward, rundown, bumpkin state college that caters to University of Texas at Austin rejects with one bitchin’ football team.

With the new moniker comes the announcement that after extensive recruiting, the football coaching staff has assembled a cast of characters fit for a 1-800-COLLECT commercial. Fresh off promoting the Sci-Fi Channel's sixth year of Quantum Leap reruns, actor Scott Bakula was recruited by his former alma mater to play the too-old-never-finished-college-never-made-it-to-the-pros quarterback. Fresh off of promoting her new line of home furnishings, former swimsuit model Kathy Ireland has been recruited to play the exception-to-the-rule-but-still-a-kicker girl football player. And fresh off promoting his absolute disappearance into obscurity, actor-comedian Sinbad has been recruited to fill the role of the not-quite-funny-but-unaware-of-it linesman.

The recruiting of the “Big Three,” as they have been nicknamed by the school’s newspaper in a stunning display of originality, was deemed necessary after most returning members from last year's team were declared ineligible due to failing grades. Coach Larry Gennero seemed wary of the move: “This has all the makings of some terrible B-movie. Just one of those straight-to-video poopfests that ends up being overplayed by some cable superstation.”

College football experts predict that the team will lose all but their last game, which is scheduled against their biggest rival, the big stuck-up state university. ESPN analyst Chris Fowler stated, “Despite losing all of their previous games, I could see this team pulling it all together to defy the odds in the final game of the season. Man, that moral victory would be something to see.”
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