October 2003 / Texas Travesty Archives

October 2003 (v6 i2)

Rockin' into orbit since 1997

Jump to Issue

Interactive

• Buy Merchandise

• AIM Buddy Icons

• Desktop Backgrounds

• Webcam

Hard worked effeminate man needs a Zima
FLAGSTAFF, AZ - Toward the end of his shift last Friday, Russ Pritchard expressed to an associate his need for a weak, citrus-flavored alcoholic beverage to calm his nerves. "Seriously," said Pritchard, Lifestyles manager at the Flagstaff Linens N' Things, "Today has just been busy, busy, busy. I could really go for a Zima right now to chase the stressies away." Pritchard had reportedly spent the previous seven hours merchandising a new line of window treatments and providing customer service for "a bunch of jerkheads." He later fulfilled his desire at a local bar and grill where he drank and chatted with friend Sharise about her relationship struggles. The relaxing outing concluded after Russ's third Zima, when he accidentally said the word "penis" too loudly and decided he was "getting a little too silly."

Guy playing hackey sack falls down, pretends not to care
CAMPUS - The calm atmosphere of the Main Mall was disturbed yesterday when that guy who always plays hackey sack slipped on the dewy grass while trying to juggle with a friend. During his usual between-class antics, the long-haired underclassman overextended himself while reaching for a kick and fell on his ass. After sliding down the slope a few feet, he quickly jumped up and tried to laugh it off as if nothing happened. "Too bad I was just trying to make up for that totally bad hit you sent me," he explained to his hackey sack buddy. "I didn't want people to see how much you suck." But not even bold words and a laid-back attitude could hide the foot-long streak of muddy grass that stained his khaki shorts. He left the mall shortly thereafter to change and silently scold himself.

» More Dirty Briefs

• Some girl you went to high school with will stop you on the South Mall for a hug and a stimulating conversation about that guy you mutually know and what class you're headed off to.

• The UT Sleepsy Bears will meet on the third floor of the Union to embark on a pleasant voyage into Dreamland on two stiff sofa chairs pushed together.

• Someone in your class sounds like an idiot when they speak. Be careful it's not you.

• People with lazy eyes hate Italians, who hate them right back. Both have good reasons.

• Campus Christians in Context and the UT VD Awareness Society will both be discussing the meaning of a burning bush.

• Squeaky guy in his squeaky chair doesn't understand how insanely squeaky he is being.

• White guys everywhere are thanking God for the day dancing got reduced to dry humping the ass.

• The disc-throwers by the flagpoles are very good and are training so do not feel free to join them. Be very intimidated when throwing one back to them after they hit you waywardly.

• Birds are making really freaky noises in the belfry of the University Catholic Church. They must be doing it.

• A 40-year-old returning student will attract attention to the age difference between her and her fellow students by walking around in a baby-tee with the word "Bitch" written on the chest.

• The little fountain in front of the Union will continue to fail to add any aesthetic quality to the campus, but will succeed in making passersby feel the need to use the restroom.

• String Cheese Incident fans that put hula-hoops on those yellow crosswalk signs will cease to do so when it is revealed that Hitler did the same thing in 1937.

• This Around Campus section is very, very funny.

• Professors in UT's Tedium Department will plan what the day's lecture will focus on.

• The UT Young Conservatives will be assholes because their daddy was an asshole, and their daddy's daddy was an asshole, and their daddy's daddy's daddy was an asshole.

• Your second semester foreign language teacher is not just speaking too rapidly for you to get used to the language. He is also fucking with you.

• Students with cerebral palsy should never be made fun of. Never ever ever.

• Texas Travesty staff members will punch you in the neck and run away crying if you refer to their cute little magazine as "like the Onion, but shittier."

		My editorial is superior to Jake's Todd Nienkerk Editor-in-Chief

		Todd's editorial sucks big time Jake Wilburn Managing Editor

		Jake's and Todd's editorials are equally good Ryan Martinez Associate Editor

		I know you touched the soap dish without washing your hands first Your OCD Roommate

		Guess what? I'm my own best friend Ian Skoviss The Dorkiest Kid in the 7th-Grade

		I love to ride my two-wheeled cycle bike Mustachio Orlando Syndicated Columnist

		I knew about 'Family Guy' way before you did Shawn Calvin Guest Columnist

Governor Perry grounds Democrats to bedrooms
THE CAPITOL - Gov. Rick Perry angrily ended the probations of 10 disobedient Democrat senators Oct. 13, re-imposing a set of penalties upon them that had originally been dropped in September. In addition to levying a $5,700 fine against the senators and revoking their Capitol parking rights, Perry grounded them to their bedrooms until the next legislative session in January 2005.... » more

Sorority girl glad she's not a loser
CAMPUS - Alpha Gamma Zeta member Clarise Dunn recently disclosed to a lunch companion that of all the possible fates a human being could receive, she is particularly thankful that she is not a loser. Dunn, a Marketing junior, was reportedly quite cautious in getting her point across with an air of sympathy and tolerance for the less fortunate.... » more

First wave of long-distance breakups over
CAMPUS - Starting the first month of the new semester and finishing last week, the first round of long distance relationships has ended. Fresh out of senior year and a long season of monogamy, those in long distance relationships started college with every intention of staying faithful to their high school sweetheart. After numerous pledges of "not even thinking about other people" and promises to "talk every day on the phone," most of these fully-trained couples were unsuspecting of what lay ahead: new people.... » more

TX State recruits Sinbad, Scott Bakula for ragtag football team
SAN MARCOS, TX - At a recent Board of Regents meeting, officials at Southwest Texas University decided on a name change for the school. The new name: Texas State University. With the name change, the board hopes to achieve an image overhaul from being a backward, rundown, bumpkin state college that caters to University of Texas at Austin rejects to being a backward, rundown, bumpkin state college that caters to University of Texas at Austin rejects with one bitchin' football team.... » more

Bush announces plan to implement Legos
WASHINGTON, DC - Attempting to appease environmentalists and enamor adolescents across the globe, President Bush announced current development designing and creating life-size Legos. Administration officials, along with contractors Carlyle Group and Lego, unveiled miniature models of American forests renovated with Lego trees, dotted with really, really small chipmunks. The models, which were just regular Legos, illustrated the President's efforts to quiet partisan disagreement and "do something both fun and educational...." » more

Arctic ice shelf restored after Diane Sawyer visit
ELLESMERE ISLAND, CANADA - Mere weeks after scientists announced a fracture in a 270-square-mile Arctic ice shelf, broadcaster Diane Sawyer restored it to its former glory by the sheer frigidity of her inhuman heart during a recent visit.... » more

Schwarzenegger defies odds, defeats Coleman
SACRAMENTO, CA - Underdog Republican candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger was confirmed as the winner in California's gubernatorial recall race Tuesday, with 95 percent of districts reporting. He defeated frontrunners big-time celebrity Gary Coleman and Democrat Cruz Bustamante despite odds that placed him deep within the pack of 134 candidates.... » more

West Mall occupation sparks Israeli, Palestinian student violence
CAMPUS - Amidst weeks of tense relations, both the Israeli and Palestinian student groups continue to jockey for control of table space in the West Mall. Despite a road map for resolution backed by the Student Government, the Coalition of Israeli Students of Texas announced plans to set up more tables, which may soon encroach on space reserved for the Students for the Acquisition of a Palestinian State.... » more

Flash mob in shopping mall attains world peace
DENVER, CO - The crowd of 130 people that gathered in the courtyard of the Sixteenth Street Mall late Thursday accidentally achieved world peace while singing the French folk song "Freres Jacques" and covering their bodies in peanut butter and aluminum foil.... » more

Your Monthly Horoscope
Officially endorsed by the American Association of False Prognostication

NouveauCabulary!
Bringing you the latest in hip verbage

Mailbag
Concerns and praise from our literate public

Which UT building are you?

Top ten 'Queer Eye' parodies

Obituaries

The Depp-O-Meter

New taxes in the U.S.

Jesus Is...

Editorial Cartoon