October 2003 (v6 i2)
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Sorority girl glad she’s not a loser
Sisterly chat reaffirms superiority
by Jake Wilburn, Managing Editor


The ladies discuss their good fortune and share
strategies for feigning modesty.
CAMPUS — Alpha Gamma Zeta member Clarise Dunn recently disclosed to a lunch companion that of all the possible fates a human being could receive, she is particularly thankful that she is not a loser. Dunn, a Marketing junior, was reportedly quite cautious in getting her point across with an air of sympathy and tolerance for the less fortunate.

“It’s not like I’m saying ‘Oh, I’m a Zeta, I’m so pretty, I’m so great,’ whatever. I’m not better than anyone. People are who they are and that’s totally cool. I’m just saying I’m really happy with who I am, and I’m really glad I’m not one of those losers I always see around,” remarked Dunn before casting a candid glance toward a neighboring group of cigarette-puffing social failures that exemplified her worst nightmare.

Clarise’s companion and fellow Zeta Dana Seal concurred with the statement, expressing similar distaste for those who are significantly bad at life.

“I completely know what you mean,” said Seal. “I’m tempted to feel bad for those people but, honestly, it’s their own fault. I’m sorry, but if I were like them, I would try and do something about it. I don’t think they even realize how annoying it is to us.”

Seal then emphatically reassured Dunn of her non-loser status, mentioning the positive points of her being that made it an irreplaceable asset to civilization.

“You are so far from being a loser, though, Clarise,” explained Seal. “Honestly, I think you might be probably one of the prettiest girls I know. Seriously. And you are so talented and sweet. I can seriously say that you may be one of the prettiest, most talented, and definitely sweetest girls I know, probably.”

To this Dunn responded with subdued flattery and simulated skepticism.

“Awww, really?”

“Oh my God, definitely,” assured a seemingly earnest Seal.

Dunn and Seal continued to discuss the virtue of each other’s sweetness for close to a half-hour before again addressing the unfortunate plight of the Loser. The coconut lime verbena-scented young women cited unattractiveness as well as a lack of positive community interaction and dress-up dances as the primary contributors to such sub par existence.

“They honestly have literally nothing to look forward to,” explained Clarise. “No theme parties, no cute skirts, no Will and Grace Night...”

“No life,” Seal interjected humorously.

The ladies enjoyed a brief interlude of laughter at Dana’s quip and then began complaining about the discrimination and blatant stereotyping they fall victim to by losers behind their back–even through the means of publicly distributed humor publications.

Referencing their aforementioned sweetness, the ladies were baffled as to why they are arbitrarily assigned undesirable qualities such as vanity and superficiality. The two expressed frustrations toward the fact that someone would make such harsh generalizations merely for the sake of entertainment and their own self-worth.

Dunn then added separately, “God. If I was fat, I’d fucking kill myself.”

To which Seal replied, “Man, I can’t wait to get married.”
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