October 2003 (v6 i2)
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I knew about ‘Family Guy’ way before you did
by Shawn Calvin, Guest Columnist

Oh, so I see you’ve matured from quoting Jules Winnfield to Peter Griffin. Bravo! Do you think that makes you special? I had seen every Family Guy episode before you knew Quagmire begot his namesake because he shaved his pubic hair into a Q. Your tepid trough of unfamiliarity disgusts me.

I knew about Family Guy in high school, back when no one cared about Seth McFarlane or his wunderkind. While you were out blasting your Europop and exposing yourself to all sorts of venereal diseases, I was at home immersed in a world of comic genius the likes you can barely begin to understand.

Now it seems like everyone and their sister has seen an episode of Family Guy. Although it is deserved of this newfound cult popularity, you exemplify the sea of dunces that completely fail to grasp the esoteric nuances of its meta-sociocultural commentary.

The bigotry, dysfunctionality and brute offensiveness of the show are not unlike the ultra-violence of Tarantino or the ideology of Dylan’s “Rainy Day Women Nos. 12 & 35:” its brilliance lies not on the literal axiom, but in the self-mockery of its audience. However, you, like the travesty “Almost Famous,” seem to avoid reason like the plague.

How predictable! Your favorite character is Stewie. You are only capable of mildly understanding the massive ego little Stewie displays, considering the Napoleon complex you harbor prevents you from fully understanding the true range of humor in his character. His matriarchal battle personifies man’s eternal quest to silence and dominate the female gender, a fruitless and unnecessarily requital war that ironically mirrors your cliché misogyny.

Obviously, the hero of the show rests in Brian. His sardonic wit only augments the irony of his laughable character flaw as the family pet, and his dry humor usually goes right over your head. But you seem to laugh any time Peter talks about getting drunk or Stewie refers to murdering his mother. Your ineptitude baffles me!

I suppose your taste in Family Guy is akin to your aversion to Chris Simms. Now if you will excuse me, I have to update season three of my www.familyguyrocksmehard.com episode guide.
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