October 2003 (v6 i2)
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Guess what? I’m my own best friend
I don’t need all your dumb butts
by Ian Skoviss, The Dorkiest Kid in the 7th-Grade

Watch out for Ian! Clear the lane! Watch out for Ian! He’s goin’ INSAAAAAAANE!! Oh yeah! Wassuppy uppy uppy, my megabueno amigos?! Been about infinity years since I last talked to you dudes. Just in case you were wonderin’, I am still the ice cold COOLEST kid in the universe. Even though I just got through some megamondo-frowny sadness. See, dudes, a lot of crazy kids at my school act like they aren’t totally down with The Skove. But I really thought this year would be different.

Before school started, Mom and Me went to Mervyn’s California to buy me some new outfits. Have you ever been there?! Their clothes are the friggin’ awesomest! Mom bought me like a jillion cool T-shirts and a bunch of sweet jeans!! One of the shirts has a picture of this awesome man on a skateboard skatin’ so crazy-style all over the place! Mom said he looked like me! Mom rocks! Anyway, I was lookin’ smooth and I had a feeling that this year was going to be the year of cool friendships!

On the first day I sat by this new kid named Billy in science class and I thought for sure we’d be high-fivin’ bros in no time. He was kind of worried because he forgot his pencils but I was like “Take a chilly pilly Billy” and I gave him one of mine for keeps! Then I was telling him how over the summer, my Mamaw bought me Men In Black 1 and Men in Black 2 on DVD. Those movies are maximum good, dudes! Remember that part where Big Willie Style friggin’ shoots that alien that looks like some kind of slimy skeleton and Big Willie Style’s laser gun is the size of a elephant and it’s like PSSSSHHHEEEEEWWW! PSSSHHHEEEEEWWW! And then the stupid alien explodes and his guts go everywhere and it’s totally the grossest-to-the-mostest! Then Willie’s like “Man, that sucka was nasty!” HAHAHA! Dangit that movie is such a coolified sweet treasure!!

Anyway, I was just about to invite Billy over to chill out with me and maybe watch some MIB when this stinky stinky dum-dum girl named Joanna came and pushed my chair over and I fell out and hurt myself and everyone started laughing like “Haha, that’s so funny!” But, my dudes, it was not. I don’t see why they were laughing so hard. Maybe because they are FRIGGIN’ BUTT BREATHS! So anyway, Billy was laughing too and I was so mad and sad. I didn’t know whether to cry or go tell Ms. Espinoza so I ended up just doing both.

Ms. Espinoza is sooooooo nice and awesomely kind! She made Dumb Butt Joanna come apologize to me and then she told her that next time it’s lunch detention. Dum-de-dum-dum! HAHA! I wanted to say that to her so bad and then shake my butt like “Haha! Kiss this!” But I didn’t because Ms. Espinoza said I shouldn’t rub it in.

I was still pretty bummified after that because everyone seemed like they didn’t like me and my plan to make new friends was not going so cool. But then Ms. Espinoza’s niceness came to the rescue! After class, she asked me to stay and chat for a bit. She asked me what was up and I told her that it was definitely not my spirits. But she told me that I don’t need any other friends. The very best friend a kid like me can have is himself. And I knew right there that she was right-o-rama! I was so excited I wanted to start raisin’ the roof for myself right there. And I did! I realized that I am totally the funnest kid in the universe! Not to mention the baddest friggin’ sucka at my school, even if those dipoids in my class don’t think so. I can have fun all by myself. I can go exploring in the creek with myself, munch down on some yummified eatsies with myself, or go swimming and see how long I can stay under water with myself (The other day I made it to 34 Mississippi!). I can have any kind of cool fun whenever I want!

I am King Ian of Dudicalness and no one can tell me different! If you do, I’ll throw you to my royal sharks and they will eat your privates off! Haha! Just kiddin’, dudes and babes. Man, I am being such a turbo-gross machine!

Anyways, guys, I gotta scram. Mom’s home and she bought me some Reese’s Pieces! Time to go scarf until I barf! YES!!
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