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Obituaries |
JOKE
A Yo Mama joke passed away this morning at the ripe old age of 6,546,004 tellings too many. Yo Mama is survived by her two siblings, That's What She Said and A Guy Walks Into A Bar. Sighs of relief are expected as this well-traveled joke is finally laid to rest. Memorial services will be closed casket as Yo Mama is so ugly even the mortician don't want nothin' to do with her.
BONG
A local bong, known by loved ones as “The White Sorcerer” delivered its last hit on October 3, 2003. It lived a full life, having cooled and filtered an estimated 12 ounces of the dankest, ickiest bud available east of I-35. Taken abruptly by an outstretched leg, its departure was swift, leaving its loved ones asking, “Duuuuuuude! What just happened?” The bong is survived by three pipes and a one-hitter. Services will be held as it is delivered under the cover of darkness to an apartment trash bin, where it rest until Tuesday morning between 6 and 8 a.m.
SALESMAN
The death of a salesman yesterday morning was God’s final act in the tragedy he called life. The sudden passing left many with catharsis. He is preceded in death by Arthur Miller, John Proctor and Abigail Williams, last seen dancing with the devil in the woods. The salesman will be forever survived by shitty overacted high school theater performances of his life. In lieu of flowers, Cliff’s Notes will be accepted. A funeral will be held after curtain call in the lobby.
VIBRATOR
The Panasonic Please Her 5000 died last night, leaving its owner high and dry. Born at The Sex Hole on Manor Road, the PPH 5000 was cherished by all those it touched. It gave and gave, yet never asked for anything in return. He is preceded in death by the The Crammer. Survivors include a worn Legends of the Fall videocassette, scented anal beads, and a low self-esteem. No service will be held as the bereaved is less than proud of her synthesized debauchery.
CYCLES
Jericho Hammerstien’s 28 speed Huffy bicycle, the Speedasaurus Flex had his life unexpectedly stolen away, October 21, 2003. Speedasaurus is preceded in theft by 4,000 other UT students’ bikes. Survivors include Jericho’s U-lock, self-locking cable, and UTPD bicycle registration card. In respect for Speedasaurus’s love for kicking asphalt, a traditional service will not be held.
Demi Moore’s menstrual Cycle, 32 years young, was put to rest yesterday morning. It is survived by menopause and a confused Ashton Kutcher. It’s life will be commemorated for six to 12 months by hot flashes and milk of magnesia.
TRUST
Your parent’s trust in you died after one too many drunken dials home last weekend. It is preceded in death by the pedestal you used to sit on. Survivors include their unconditional love and a calling card. A funeral will be held at Thanksgiving Break when your return rekindles unfamiliar and oppressive curfews.
CREDIT CARD
Daddy’s Visa Blue passed after its first and only charge to Diesel. The card, intended for emergency use only, not for cute belts and Chick-fil-A, was preceded in death by the Visa Platinum, Visa Gold, and Visa Plutonium. Daddy says there will be no survivors for irresponsible young ladies who think money grows on trees. No funeral will be held unless you go ask your mother. And don’t you tell her that Dad’s ok with it first! |
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