October 2003 (v6 i2)
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The Depp-O-Meter

Who’s that Drop Depp Gorgeous guy? Why, it’s Johnny Depp, America’s newest love affair! How ‘Depp’ are you, you ask?Are you Depp like that or just plain Deppressing? Test your Depp Perception with this Deppth Gauge!

1. Depps of Hell You will accidentally on purpose set fire to your 1,200-pound mother to avoid towing costs.

2. Depportation Your inability to accept the greatness that is 21 Jump Street will be the depp of you.

3. Depprived You will experience fear and loathing in Las Vegas once you realize you’ve mistakenly done heroin when you weren’t looking. A bum thanks you for “that special night” in the parking lot of Circus Circus.

4. Self-Depprecating You have the self-confidence of an Edward Scissorhands trying to undo a girls front-clasp bra.

5. Depp Comedy Jam Your next movie will include the original Kings of Comedy and scary pumpkin heads. Not to worry, your reputation will remain intact because no one will remember any of your crap. No, really.

6. Depploma Frustrated with the civilized way of life, you have moved to France to surround yourself with native wine and underage prostitutes.

7. Deppendable After wild nights rubbing elbows with Hollywood’s finest and talking depplomacy, you will consistently find yourself deppositing sperm into a sock puppet named Gladys.

8. Depphead You are the new Don Juan, seducing women with your unique combination of boyish good looks and malicious lies. You are the deppinition of depponaire.

9. Depputante Once upon a time in Tibet, after drunkenly applying your store of deppilatory cream as a “thinking cap,” you end up looking like the Dhali Lhama. Oh Baby! Now you’re hot to trot...AND a deepp thinker to boot!

10. Dr Depper You are a Jack Sparrow, piloting your ship on an endless ocean of hair oil and self-love.
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