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Bush announces plan to implement Legos Homeland security reaches ‘Level Fun’ by Joel Siegel, Staff Writer
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 WASHINGTON, DC — Attempting to appease environmentalists and enamor adolescents across the globe, President Bush announced current development designing and creating life-size Legos. Administration officials, along with contractors Carlyle Group and Lego, unveiled miniature models of American forests renovated with Lego trees, dotted with really, really small chipmunks. The models, which were just regular Legos, illustrated the President's efforts to quiet partisan disagreement and “do something both fun and educational.”
“With the innovative technology available today,” said the president, “I have faith that our tree-builders can replicate the triangle ones and the circly ones.”
Government officials hope to see the program’s success in other areas.
“This program has potential for use with the Armed Services and the State Department,” said Jerome Manders, Pentagon assistant secretary. “Just think of the copious military possibilities. Take pirates, for instance. That'd teach those Iraqi dissidents. What'll they have to say when the fatigues come off and a furious tempest of eye patches and pantaloons spell certain death? Nothing, that's what.”
Manders expanded, “And what about Kim Jong? Oh, you’re nuclear, huh? How bouts we come ashore your little peninsula and from our looming deathships pours a Space Police Mobile Command Rover (with Laser), and our huge dragon-tiger Zanzabeast incinerates your little man villages?”
While sea vessels and space vehicles have yet to be mentioned by executives, military development is indeed the buzz among inside circles.
“The value of a program like this is obvious to intelligence officials,” remarked military analyst Anthony Rickles. “The benefits in our homeland security efforts would be countless: huge citadels in every seaport, mammoth forts guarding national treasures. And besides, how cool would it be to finally have castles?”
While morale behind the project mostly remains at a boil, some are skeptical.
“Why am I the only one that thinks this is retarded?” asked Ohio State intern Gerard Wiley. “The other day I was standing on this Lego to reach for something when I spilled Sprite on my shoes. I was stuck to that thing for at least a few hours. And these scientists, they’re so caught up in whether or not they could build these ginormous Legos, they never stopped to think if they should. God, I love Jeff Goldblum.”
Despite the program officials’ confident demeanor and soft candlelight, preliminary testing in Lego-Carlyle laboratories shows signs of foul play.
“Today, some joker put a tree by the road with only half the dots on the grass,” said Rashood Washington, Lego-Carlyle engineer.
“Half of the tree juts out into the road, blocking traffic up to the airfields. We'd move it, but we are waiting on shipment from Taiwan for the cool crane parts which are only in the Magnetron collection,” lamented Washington. “We won't even use half of the parts. It's like, 'Hello, we have all the little four dot-long pieces we need, thank you.' Sheesh!” |
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