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Arctic ice shelf restored after Diane Sawyer visit Scientists hope to harness the power of journalist’s cold heart by Ryan Martinez, Associate Editor
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 Ellesmere Island, Canada — Mere weeks after scientists announced a fracture in a 270-square-mile Arctic ice shelf, broadcaster Diane Sawyer restored it to its former glory by the sheer frigidity of her inhuman heart during a recent visit.
“The Ward Hunt Ice Shelf took millennia for nature to create and less than 100 years for man to destroy,” said scientist Gerald Kutsky of the University of Alaska. “But to recreate it in a matter of seconds, it took something much more than human–and much less. It took Diane Sawyer.”
Taking a break from cushy interviews in which she routinely reduces tough-skinned stars and totalitarian dictators to tears, the star of ABC’s Primetime Thursday had been doing a field story about global warming when the ice beneath her feet began to make ominous cracking noises.
“My first thought was to get Diane into the helicopter and get the hell outta there,” said crew worker Dave Plati. “But Diane just had this calm look on her face, like she knew what was going on. Like she had a part in it. Then I realized that the ice wasn’t falling apart at all. Uh-uh. It was coming back together.” Camerawoman Samantha Greene was also shocked to find out that her employer had a hand in the disturbance.
“At this point, Diane’s eyes are bluer than anything I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Greene. “And the wind kicks up, and the sun disappears, and Diane opens her mouth and speaks in a voice I never want to hear again: ‘MY NAME IS LEGION, FOR I AM MANY. BOW BEFORE ME OR FEEL MY WINTRY WRATH.’”
Shivering, Greene then said: “I don’t remember much after that.”
When the crew regained consciousness, they discovered an ice shelf that stretched to the horizon where before there had been only a floating assortment of small icebergs. They also discovered a coolly composed Sawyer where before there had been a tempest of icy malevolence in the form of a TV news journalist.
“I could have sworn I saw the hint of a smile on her face, but that would imply that she’s capable of feeling emotion,” Plati said. “She just stared at us for a second, as if she was wondering why the fuck we had passed out, and then she said, ‘It seems there is no more story to report here in Ellesmere Island. Let’s head back home, guys.’ And that was it. It was over, as if nothing had happened at all.”
Plati added: “Oh wait, she did fire the sound guy on a whim and leave him there to die alone, but that’s pretty routine for Diane.”
Environmentalists hope to harness the refrigerating power of Sawyer’s heart to reverse similar effects of global warming in the Antarctic region. Kutsky hypothesized that the use of visual stimuli could cause Sawyer’s body temperature to plummet even further than its usual 25 degrees Fahrenheit.
“From eye-witness testimony, it’s clear that part of Sawyer’s strength lies in the Protestant blue steel of her eyes,” said Kutsky. “If we stimulate them with images generally considered to be wholesome, righteous or warm, we believe that her heart will involuntarily react by generating even more cold air.”
The University of Alaska will test this hypothesis next month, when they fly Sawyer to the Brunt Ice Shelf and show her a set of flash cards featuring wet puppies, Jesus Christ, babies dressed up like various fruit and Dom DeLuise. |
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