(December 22 - January 19)
In the middle of a busy week, you will follow the old adage and stop and smell the roses. Which is too bad, because they will be laced with monkey pox.
(January 20-February 18)
You will avoid eye contact with a guy distributing flyers, but still feel miffed when he doesn’t offer you one at all.
(February 19 - March 20)
You will sit on an inconsiderate someone’s spill of ketchup, and all the day’s regrets about wearing those quirky red pants will melt away.
(March 21 - April 19)
You will find there’s nothing shameful about eating the children’s snack Teddy Grahams—only something delicious.
(April 20 - May 20)
You will finally make it out to Los Angeles to be a contestant on The Price is Right. You will not be called down to contestant row. It will be the most disappointing thing you have ever experienced. Don't sweat it... you'll get revenge by stealing one of Rod Roddy's sequin sports coats after an awkward and fumbling sexual encounter behind the Plinko board.
(May 21 - June 20)
You hate Chinese people, but you love Chinese food. Learn to compromise, man.
(June 21 - July 22)
Within the next month your interest in some obscure fetish will reveal itself to you. You are just sick. Do you want to buy my underwear?
(July 23 - August 22)
Buy into the next big thing, no matter how stupid it is. Don’t believe me? Fine, don’t fucking buy it. Last time I give you a suggestion.
(August 23 - September 22)
Your fate lies in the hands of an aging and now-portly Batman.
(September 23 - October 22)
You will note that the surrealness of MTV awards shows has reached its apex when you see Madonna tongue-kissing the mummified corpse of Salvador Dali while straddling a checkered elephant morphinginto a bony piano with flowers instead of keys.
(October 23 - November 21)
You will hate yourself for thinking you are better than someone, but c'mon... can you really blame yourself? That guy was just sad.
(November 22- December 21)
You will be puzzled about a faint slurping noise that arises when the dumb girl in your Biology class asks her requisite daily dumb question, only to realize that it isthe sound of your neurons cannibalizing each other.