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october dirtybriefs |
Perot briefly considers ‘04 campaign before returning to steak
DALLAS, TX – Billionaire businessman and part-time politician H. Ross Perot briefly entertained the thought of running for President again in 2004 as he paused momentarily between chews during dinner last week. He vacillated while taking a sip of water, considering the fact that he would easily have more than enough money to finance a third campaign without doing much fundraising. Mulling over the hassle of making all those line graphs yet again while he savored his mouthful of premium short loin steak, Mr. Perot reached reflectively for a saltshaker. He then swallowed, resolving to stay out of the race this time around, and sliced into his Porterhouse once again.
Yahoo Serious no longer kidding
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA – A disaffected Yahoo Serious proclaimed to a local bodega owner that he was no longer in the funny business, earlier today. The native Australian based the decision on his general failure to brainstorm beyond marsupial jokes. “My roots are here in the blistering heat and evolutionary singularities. But I can be punny. You get it? No? Oh you did, but… you’re right, that sucked. I suck.” Left with no other choice but to view the world with severity through a monocle, Serious has already outlined plans to “de-funny” himself by inspecting smoke detectors, studying covalent bonds, and exchanging his old Jim Carrey videos for more recent ones.
WWE to offer straight-to-governor pension plan
LOS ANGELES, CA – Citing a growing trend in post-entertainment, muscly-armed governorship, the WWE has cut deals with the heads of four southern states, enabling professional wrestlers the option to go straight into leadership positions after retirement. “Time and time again, the public has displayed their desire for a steadfast, strong, fearless leader,” said Vince McMahon. “Who wouldn’t want a governor that could tow an airplane with his bare hands?” As a result of the deal, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Rick Flair, The Big Show and Kane will helm the Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama, and West Virginia state legislatures as early as 2007. Pay-per-view, steel-caged battle royals will be held annually to determine which state will lead the nation with the worst educational system.
Hard worked effeminate man needs a Zima
FLAGSTAFF, AZ – Toward the end of his shift last Friday, Russ Pritchard expressed to an associate his need for a weak, citrus-flavored alcoholic beverage to calm his nerves. “Seriously,” said Pritchard, Lifestyles manager at the Flagstaff Linens N’ Things, “Today has just been busy, busy, busy. I could really go for a Zima right now to chase the stressies away.” Pritchard had reportedly spent the previous seven hours merchandising a new line of window treatments and providing customer service for “a bunch of jerkheads.” He later fulfilled his desire at a local bar and grill where he drank and chatted with friend Sharise about her relationship struggles. The relaxing outing concluded after Russ’s third Zima, when he accidentally said the word “penis” too loudly and decided he was “getting a little too silly.”
Outspoken student confuses lecture for conversation about himself
CAMPUS – The most massive collective eye-roll in recent history occurred earlier today when Josh Oakenfield mistook his lower-division Anthropology lecture for a conversation between him and his professor about his own life experiences and opinions. The philosophy sophomore, who has “been to Mexico,” decidedly vexed all who were present in the classroom with frequent references to obscure and irrelevant factoids, personal triumphs, and peccadilloes. Students are reportedly dreading the next lecture, as professor Whittenton will touch on themes of the Baroque period–a subject Oakenfield addressed in a fourth-grade diorama.
Middle-schooler extends stint of pre-sexuality
TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NM – Making a bold splash in a nascent pubescent current, Jeffrey Snider, a seventh grader at Claudette Middle School, has officially decided against girls. “All my friends started acting dumb around those stupid girls,” said Snider. “I just don't see what the big deal is.” The move has made Snider a ripe target for many seventh and eighth grade boys' confused rage. “Darin Whitfield—he sits next to me in Social Studies—he’s always saying how great Mariny Stevenson’s boobs are, but they’re not even that cool. I swear they’re not,” said Snider. 15 year-old Jenny Snider attested to her brother’s character. “This is just like him, Jesus. One time he called me a bitch. Oh my God.” Despite adversity, Snider’s decision has also earned him entries in the diaries of many eighth grade girls, who establish strange relationships of bully, lustful, big sister natures.
Comic book fan already knows ending to New X-Men #150
AUSTIN, TX – Much to the chagrin of his friends at Punny Fappers, comic book fan Fred Ellerby bragged between snorts and giggles about his foreknowledge of the ending to New X-Men #150, which isn’t scheduled for sale until December. “Much like Alan Moore did with Watchmen, writer Grant Morrison has revolutionized sequential art by subverting its most cherished conventions,” said Ellerby. “New X-Men #150 is a post-modern deconstruction of the Sturm und Drang soap opera that the X-Men have become in recent years. Specifically, in the first panel of page 5, when Jean Grey confronts Cyclops about – Oh, wait. You guys haven’t read it, yet, have you?” Ellerby then clutched his sides in a fit of silent laughter, which only grew more violent when his friends asked him where he got his information. “Freddy is such a douche-bag,” said fellow comics devotee John Pharr. “Sometimes I wish he’d fall into the Siege Perilous and return as someone who wasn’t such a dick.”
Dr Pepper, US Army salute individuality
LOS ANGELES, CA – Through a series of commercials, Dr Pepper and the U.S. Army have unveiled plans to curb the spread of mindless commercial influence with ad campaigns directed at individuality. With flashy musical numbers, Dr Pepper has embraced the individuality bandwagon, urging its audience to be unlike anyone before them, including those in the commercial, and consume the carbonated beverage. “In a world of directly influenced advertising, we wanted to bring some reverse psychology to the forefront of consumerism,” said Dr Pepper spokesman Ralph Jefries. In addition, the US Army has begun recruiting paid murderers and defenders of democracy through commercials, urging the youth to be a part of an individualistic “Army of One.”
Guy playing hackey sack falls down, pretends not to care
CAMPUS – The calm atmosphere of the Main Mall was disturbed yesterday when that guy who always plays hackey sack slipped on the dewy grass while trying to juggle with a friend. During his usual between-class antics, the long-haired underclassman overextended himself while reaching for a kick and fell on his ass. After sliding down the slope a few feet, he quickly jumped up and tried to laugh it off as if nothing happened. “Too bad I was just trying to make up for that totally bad hit you sent me,” he explained to his hackey sack buddy. “I didn’t want people to see how much you suck.” But not even bold words and a laid-back attitude could hide the foot-long streak of muddy grass that stained his khaki shorts. He left the mall shortly thereafter to change and silently scold himself.
Freshman catches roomate masturbating
JESTER EAST – Steven Carr returned early from class last Wednesday only to catch roommate Jason Hill “left-hand mousing” in front of his new Dell Dimension 2400. After a full half-minute of broken sentences and vain attempts to avert his eyes, Steven left the room in a hurry and hasn't been back since. Unable to face the “horribly awkward and embarrassing situation,” he has since relocated to the couches of the Jester East lobby. “And I thought this shithole dorm couldn't get any worse, now I don't even have a room,” said Carr. Steven explains that his new residency has nothing to do with the fact that he didn't like Jason or his Smallville posters. “I just can't ever look at him without thinking of him cranking it.” Jason, meanwhile, barricaded behind his now dead-bolted door with three “knock before entering” signs, was unavailable for comment.
Fashion Club president okays dangling Nalgene bottles
AUSTIN, TX – Fashion Club President Janine Hall officially ruled in favor of the use of a Nalgene bottle as a backpack accessory last Tuesday. The verdict came as a complete surprise to other club members, who had just one month prior passed the carabiner proposition allowing keys and up to three other items to be carried on the small, neutral-colored metal hooks. While carabiners are typically found among mountain climbers, they have been quite popular among the fashion elite, who use them as key rings. “It seems as if our fashionocracy has suddenly gone astray,” said vice president Shannon Burton. “Pretty soon, everyone on campus is going to have these nutty bottles dangling from their backpacks alongside their caribiners. Next thing we know, we’ll be told to wear fanny-packs instead of carrying wallets. That’s when I’ll call it quits.” Many members are still debating whether to get the Whole Earth Provisions or Eddie Bauer version of the Nalgene, while others have already stocked up on various colors in order to maximize their accessory potential. Next week’s meeting will analyze the importance of achieving The North Face status after leading a Jansport life. |
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