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First wave of long-distance breakups over Heavy trading anticipated in later rounds by Kathryn Edwards, Administrative Assistant
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 CAMPUS — Starting the first month of the new semester and finishing last week, the first round of long distance relationships has ended. Fresh out of senior year and a long season of monogamy, those in long distance relationships started college with every intention of staying faithful to their high school sweetheart. After numerous pledges of “not even thinking about other people” and promises to “talk every day on the phone,” most of these fully-trained couples were unsuspecting of what lay ahead: new people.
Once again, the “Suddenly Jealous and Possessive Boyfriend” has claimed the most freshmen. Amy Roberts, one of the first recruits, explained, “I just got sick of sitting in the hallway of my dorm at two in the morning trying to convince him I hadn’t been flirting with any guys. I’d much rather be at a party getting shit-faced, fooling around with someone I don’t even know.”
Also pulling in a large number of new players was the team “Got Drunk and Cheated.” Despite repeated claims that it was “all the alcohol’s fault” and that “it meant nothing,” these freshmen were dumped for their infidelities. But after their first practice on Monday, most of them seemed to not even feel bad for what happened. In fact, the new recruits were happy with their suddenly single status. “I didn’t realize that there were so many people out there to mess around with,” explained Tim Pierce. “Why should I be celibate when I can have fun?”
After these two powerhouse teams claimed their picks, the rest were divided between many smaller, less likely reasons. These include “Phone Bill Was Too Large to Be Worth It,” “Found People More Willing to Put Out” and “Discovered that My Significant Other Was Bi-Curious.”
With the new dating season right around the corner, these teams are pressed for training time. Most of the off-season practices focus on practicing safe sex and informing new singles about venereal diseases. “It’s always the kids that come off of long distance relationships who are at the highest risk of having lots of casual sex” said long time breakup commentator Kevin James. “After being tied down for so long, most experience a wild streak.” Equally challenging for coaches this year is helping some freshmen transition to a “just friends” relationship. Even though this effort is always one-sided, terribly awkward, and generally pointless, it won’t stop some of the new recruits from trying.
Next month begins the second round of breakups. Although many people still in their long distance relationship have grown smug about still being with their “one, true love,” the year is far from over. Most still have to deal with several first semester problems. “Invariably, one partner will get annoyed with calling, or will keep saying that he/she is too busy to talk every day,” said James. “This is where a lot of the second round draftees come from.” Other freshmen will be dumped after their significant other finds out they slept in a dorm room of the opposite sex. “This first round was exciting,” James concludes, “but it’s only the beginning.” |
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