September 2003 (v6 i1)
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Vegan debates ethics of animal cracker purchase
by JJ Hermes, Staff Writer

AUSTIN — Local vegan Sandra Ryan was stopped dead in her tracks on Monday, Sept. 8 at an Austin-area HEB, where she stood befuddled as to whether or not she could purchase a large bag of low-fat animal crackers.

“Normally I would be vehemently opposed to the whoring and commercialization of animals for the profit of Barnum and Bailey,” said Ryan. “But veggie burgers are in the same shapeless form as true, murderous hamburgers, and they are a viable alternative. Why should not the metaphorical consumption of animals share the same merit?”

Wide eyed, Ryan immediately consulted her vegan manual, Becoming Vegan: The Complete Guide to Adopting a Healthy Plant-Based Diet. However, no listing could be readily found, so she searched the aisle for contextual clues.

“To my left were those over-processed, pink sugar wafers, and to my right were the Oreos. Just seeing the Nabisco logo was enough to make me shiver, thinking about Oscar Meyer, Philip Morris, and all the other subtends of that evil conglomerate of death.”

Ryan began to inspect the ingredients for any form of animal part or byproduct. Skimming past the riboflavins, partially hydrogenated soybean oils, sodium bicarbonates, and thiamines, she finally found her kryptonite: nonfat dry milk.

“I boycott Oreos, not just because Philip Morris owns Nabisco, but because of the inevitability of milk dunking. Even nonfat dried milk had to be sucked dry from a cow at some point.”

Despite the setback, Ryan continued her shopping, bringing home two bags of lintel beans and a head of lettuce.
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