• Thrilled Freshmen will talk about how awesome their history professor is because he says “shit” in class.
• People who ride mopeds will continue to park them next to the motorcycles, not unlike the fugly girls who dress up to follow their hot friends to frat parties.
• The RTF department will collectively stroke its own ego as they fantasize about turning down this semester’s round of applicants.
• Student organizations are being formed to allow members to park their moderately cool cars on the West Mall. Onlookers will be underwhelmed.
• The food at O's is really worth the price. Really.
• The trees on the South Mall are fully capable of speaking to us, but they won’t, because they’re shy.
• Lettuce and tomatoes wrapped in a tortilla will be referred to as a “sandwich” at campus stores.
• Amplified speech will be forbidden in areas where the freedom of expression might disrupt all the jackhammer work.
• The Tower will be lighted bright orange every time an administrative official farts or gets laid.
• 30-year-old men on the West Mall will endure searing heat, ice-cold shoulders, and vision-impairing pepper spray in order to give you a free copy of the Austin American-Statesman. Wilt thou not take one?
• All three of the 40 Acres bus drivers will ignore their staggered 10-minute schedule, preferring to travel bumper-to-bumper so they can excitedly blow kisses to each other like love-struck Italians at every stop.
• Thousands of Freshman males will not get laid half as much as they had envisioned and discussed with their high school friends in the back of a pickup.
• Food Not Bombs, Bikes Not Bombs, and Blowjobs Not Bombs will increase their effectiveness tenfold by throwing darts at a picture of a bomb.
• UT’s Budget Office will review university expenditures and exclaim, “What the fuck is the Texas Travesty!?”
