September 2003 (v6 i1)
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Sodomy's popularity on the rise
Ruling impacts sex lives of conservative, religious, heterosexual couples
by Elizabeth Barksdale, Staff Writer

ODESSA, TX — June's Supreme Court ruling that declared sodomy legal in several states, including Texas, has had a major impact on gay rights and states' rights factions. The decision has affected many middle-aged, married Texans in particular. Polls reveal that non-traditional sexual acts have shot up over 200% among conservative, heterosexual Texans. Specifically, surveys show that fellatio performed on Texans over 50 has also risen dramatically.

"A study done in March 2003 showed that a majority of Texan couples over 45 years of age engaged in oral sex 'rarely or never,'" says Buck Haverstiffal, head researcher for the recently-restructured Office of Legally-Allowable Hedonism. "When we attempted to duplicate the same study in July of 2003, however, the same test group reported that most engaged in oral sex acts 'often,' 'at least once a day,' 'after bridge,' 'after church,' and 'as I am filling out this survey.' The statistics are really rather astounding."

After the Court's ruling on sodomy, Republicans and other conservative Texans have reconsidered their feelings towards sexual legality and morality.

"You see, I was a little confused at first after I heard the ruling," says Jim Bob Sadjewidge, 53, of Midlothian. "Leviticus said point blank that a man should not lay with another man, but I looked all through the Bible and didn't see anything about a man not taking his lawfully wedded wife through the backdoor once in awhile. So I said to Mary Lou-that's my wife-I said 'Well, honey, I believe in God's America-let's take a wack at this.' And you know, we both really enjoy this newfound way to celebrate God's infinite love, even if that means a shot to the back of the throat after Steak Night at the Kountry Buffet."

Mary Lou Sadgewidge, 46, said that while she shares her husband's admiration for "the good lord and our government institutions, but to be honest, my jaw is getting kind of sore, and my tushy just hasn't been the same in weeks. The good book said, 'the man is the priest of his household,' so I usually let Jimmy have the last word about our marital matters. Well, it was alright for awhile, but now he wants it all the time."

Pastor Andrew Knudson of the United Baptist Church of Beaumont said that the Court's ruling has been causing him quite a bit of worry.

"Many gentlemen of our congregation want me to interpret certain passages in such a way that fellatio is regarded as a holy act whereas cunnilingus is vile and unclean."

"Naturally," laughed Pastor Knudson, "The women of my congregation feel that they are 'getting the shaft,' so to speak."

In addition to churches, the decision has also begun to affect rural Texas businesses. John Blatherton of Irving has owned and operated Biblical Knowledge, a religious bookstore, for ten years.

"At first I was pretty appalled by the ruling, but then I realized that times change, and what used to be forbidden fruit is now as American as apple pie. Last month I started giving out these funny little doodads called Little Bishop's Dental Dams free with a King James."

Despite some positive ramifications, the Court's decision has changed some Texans' lives forever.

"And he's talking about 'getting into leather'-whatever that means," said Mrs. Sadgewidge. "With my new wifely duties, I don't think I have time to go help Jimmy pick out new belts from Sears."
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