 Welcome, freshmen A short list of things you should know about college by Todd Nienkerk, Editor-in-Chief
I know who you are. Most of you live in dorms. 'Getting away from campus' means visiting an older sibling's apartment on Riverside. Melrose still seems like a cool place to live. Driving downtown is intimidating. You've never heard of '183' or 'MoPac.' Your graduation tassel is still hanging from your rearview mirror. Alcohol is relatively hard to come by. Ladies, you pick out clothes and do your hair and makeup before going to class'as if your peers actually care how you look. You're taking populous lower-division classes that completely obliterate the desire to think and learn. Despite the fact that you live in Austin, 'home' still refers to the bland suburban pond from whence you came, and you go back there at least once a month'in fact, you probably went back at least once during the first three weeks of classes. And why? Because you're under the all-too-common delusion that your long-distance high school romance will survive the transition to college.
You're freshmen, and I can spot you a mile away. You radiate ridiculous energy and enthusiasm, 6,800 over-excited puppies spastically clamoring up the legs of adulthood. I realize you all feel very grown-up at the moment, but there are some things you need to know about college life. So spare yourself another completely uneventful hour of Freshmen Diaries, and heed a few words of advice from a jaded senior.
Living in a dorm is a great way to avoid the real world. Apart from military barracks and jail cells, most situations in today's society don't require you to share a 10 by 10 space with someone you probably hate. Where else besides carnivals and shopping malls are bathrooms built to occupy more than a dozen patrons at any given time' The University won't tell you this, but living on campus is actually more expensive than sharing a cheap apartment on a bus route. 'But I have a meal plan, and it's easier and faster to eat cafeteria food!' Wrong. Unless you're chronically prone to kitchen fires and bizarre culinary mishaps, it's cheaper and healthier to make your own food. And if you're capable of following directions just slightly more complicated than Easy Mac's 'just add water' mantra, it's faster and easier than waiting in line, clutching a watery tray, hoping that they won't run out of thrice-heated pinto beans before it's your turn.
Your girlfriend/boyfriend 'back home' will drive you batshit crazy until you finally dump them two days into your Winter Break. Looks like you've got a long semester of standing outside Jester at 2 a.m. in the rain, clutching a cell phone, rehashing the same "I love you, I want to make this work" speech for the fifth time that week. You can look forward to them visiting you twice a month for a night of sleeping together on a bed you have to pull out of the wall. Meanwhile, your roommate is four feet away from you pretending to not notice what's going on. Sparks will fly, indeed. Be prepared for a few hundred, "Where have you been?!" phone calls. There's nothing like somebody keeping tabs on you from 200 miles away to make you want to trick someone into making you cheat.
Girls make guys disappear. Enjoy the late nights with your single pals, guys, because as soon as they meet the lady of their dreams, 'he' becomes 'they,' 'I' becomes 'we,' and a good time eventually consists of watching the AMC Saturday Matinee before going to bed "at a reasonable hour." Ah, the simple yet fulfilling life of a man domesticated before his time! If you find yourself on the other side of the fence'that is, the guy 'lucky' enough to have met his mate'get used to hearing this: "Dude, where'd you go?"
Some people can't ditch the 'high school mentality,' and these people become football fans. There's something very magnetic about belonging to an aggregate whole'to fitting in with a larger goal or ideal. It's called school pride, and those who had it in high school will bring it with them to college, where it will grow and multiply by orders of magnitude. It will teach them fight songs, traditions, and cheers. It will select their wardrobe, accessories, and'in some cases'fingernail polish.
Your professors are not your high school teachers. They are allowed to have an opinion of you and treat you favorably or unfavorably as a result. 'But that's not fair! I should be graded solely on the merits of my academic performance!' Sigh. You have so much to learn. Professors operate within the context of the "Real World" a place in which personal relationships, charisma, and general social skills will make or break a situation. "You mean I actually have to start functioning like a human being'' Yes. Yes, indeed.
Morals deteriorate. Do you avoid drinking, smoking, and drugs? Are you waiting for marriage' Do you obediently wait for a crosswalk before nervously dashing to the other side' Not for long, you won't. Within a year, you'll find yourself candytripping across the highway, sucking down Goldschlager bong rips, drunkenly fondling somebody's genitals, sparks shooting out of your ass like a wind-up Godzilla.
That should be enough to get you started. You've got quite a year ahead of you, one that seems exciting at the time, but in retrospect, was really just kind of sad. But isn't that the point of a freshman year'to make every year thereafter seem that much better?
Stay tuned until your sophomore year, when you learn all about how not to rent an apartment. |
