September 2003 (v6 i1)
Asking for another since 1997
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Where is my precious?
by Jennifer Lopez, Guest Columnist

Filthy, filthy, filthy. Filthy Benbo Affleckses. Why would he want to hurt the J.Lo? Why did he take away my precious? Or was it the paparazzises? Theys always wanted it. Theys couldn’t stop staring ats it. "Give it here, J.Lo. Let us see the ring!" Theys knew theys could ruin it all. So they did. They overexposed J.Lo and her precious, and her big-headed fiancé. They made the peoples hate us. Theys did it because they wanted to see the precious go on e-bay. Where is my precious now?

It is in the house of Benbo, in the shire of Boston. It has to be. He betrayed the J. Lo. He saids the J. Lo was his friends. He saids we could trust him. Even after the bad times. After the Night of Broken Cristal. J. Lo was with the bad man that night. Should we say his name? D-d-d-diddy. Poor J. Lo. We hid in a cave at the Hilton for years afterward, before Benbo came along. He said he was our friend. J. Lo had no friend for a long, long time. He feds us raw fish and children. Tender, juicy children. The J. Lo was so hungry, so very hungry. The J. Lo showed him the way to symbiotic super-stardom. We even kiiiiiiiillllled the J. Lo inside us, and we became Jennifer Lopez again. We became her. Just so she could be with him, when all I wanted was the precious. But Benbo betraaaaaaaayed her, just days from the wedding. Benbo and the paparazzises.

But J.Lo is back, isn’t she? The filthy Affleckses doesn’t know, but he will soon find out, oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. Hehehe. The J. Lo is so happy now. Happy but sad that she doesn’t have the precious. But happy because she will soon. J. Lo will have all the preciouses in the world. J. Lo already has three, and we are going to have more. You’ll see. And let us tell you a secret. Come closer, so we can whisper it into your ear: J. Lo is going to kiiiiiiiiiiiiill the filthy Benbo Affleckses and his butt-friend Matt Gamgee, too.
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