September 2003 (v6 i1)
Asking for another since 1997
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I Banged Your Mom
by Your Dad, Motherfucker

It’s about time we had a talk. I never told you this, son, because I never thought you were quite old enough. We’ve had some heart-to-hearts together. I’ve told you I’m always here if you need someone to talk to and if you need a pal, well, I can try to be that too. We’ve talked about how the birds are, and the bees as well.

But there’s something else you should probably know. It’s about your mother and I. I banged her, son. I’ve been banging her since before you were even born.

Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t just some casual thing. Your mother and I love each other very much, and we express our love differently when you aren’t around—in more sexual positions than one. For instance, two days ago your mom and I were—you know—going at it "doggy-style" and I couldn’t stop thinking about how hot and dirty she makes me feel at the same time.

The Butterfly. The Reverse Cowgirl. The Winged Eros. The Rainbow Arch. Kneeling Pretzel. California Roll. Froggy Style. Tail of the Ostrich. Pile-driver with nose bone. The Hot Carl. The Dolph Lundgren. The Daisy Chain. The Cross-legged Mutant. The Bruckheimer. The Space Monkey. Your mom took all of those positions like a champ and I’ll never take for granted the coitus we’ve shared.

I remember the day we first had intercourse. She was a cheerleader, always inviting one or four men’s field hockey players home with her after school. Normally I’d shy away from her, but one day she happened to ask me to accompany her when my penis was particularly erect, so I obliged. The moment she welcomed my teammates and me deep into her whisker biscuit, I knew I was in love with a beautiful and incomprehensibly loose vagina.

True, I drink a lot. And true, there are times when I do fantasize about using other women’s faces as bicycle seats, but I know deep down that no call girl in the yellow pages would give it up to me as gratefully or as wantonly as your mother does. True, she’s homely now and her tits look like flapjacks, but I rest assured in the fact that she can still arch her back like a pro, and when it comes to keeping large amount of nerp down, she’s in her own league.

Anyway, tonight, after your mother and I drink too many screwdrivers, and I rabbit-fuck her on the lawn, we’ll fall asleep in each other’s arms content to having achieved simultaneous orgasms. We may even wake up in time for some midnight tea bagging or a visit from Ol’ Dirty Sanchez. Either way, I say goodnight. I’ll see you in the morning, son.
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