September 2003 (v6 i1)
Asking for another since 1997
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How Metrosexual Are You?

Don’t know what a metrosexual is, boys? That means one of two things: you’re either a caveman or you’re so effortlessly metro – so much like a doe sipping from a pond unaware of its own beauty – that you don’t even know you’re metro. Either way, you need to keep up on your GQ, Esquire, and O Magazine subscriptions, sillies! The metrosexual is the new breed of straight man – one who isn’t afraid to primp and preen his appearance like a French ingénue. He’ll paint his nails, go to the salon, cuddle with his girl while watching "Boy Meets Boy," and then reap the poontang harvest that he has sown. He’s got all the traits that the ladies love about stereotypical gay men, without that pesky habit of chasing dick. Check out these ratings and see if you’re fabulous enough to buy into this media-contrived fashion trend!

10. You’re Clear Eyes to my queer eyes.

9. With your masterful knowledge of facial hair removal you could do for Penelope Cruz what gardening shears, vitriolic acid, and third-generation IGEA technology could not.

8. Ooh, boy! Your body glitter makes you sparkle like a homecoming dress in the ghetto.

7. You undergo more daily grooming than a prize-winning poodle named Sasha.

6. You’re making your girlfriend’s gay male friends obsolete.

5. You have the smooth, porcelain features of a Venician eunuch I once saw envying ball-bearing door hinges.

4. Ass-hugging Capri pants without a penis tuck? You have the right idea, but you’ve much to learn in the ways of the Metro, Bulgy Bob.

3. Your eyelashes are self-curling.

2. While I liked you in The Fast and the Furious and XXX, you really didn’t have any on-screen chemistry with Sigourney in Gorillas in the Mist.

1. Is it me, or did a bird-eating tarantula curl up and die between your eyebrows? Invest in some tweezers, genetic throwback.

0. You’re giving me a maneurysm!

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