(December 22 - January 19)
While lost in a dark downtown alley, you will encounter a ghastly figure whose disfigured face forever burns into your memory. One year later, as you lay on your deathbed with a mutant form of leprosy, you will look into your hand-held mirror and realize that the face you saw in the alley belonged to Sarah Jessica Parker!
(January 20-February 18)
You will try to eat your car. Ha ha! It won’t fit in your mouth!
(February 19 - March 20)
You will be disappointed with your horoscope. You are not alone.
(March 21 - April 19)
Your bowling team will deliver a promising performance during league play but will buckle under pressure during the playoffs. If only you had concentrated more on building positive team morale instead of showing off for the girlies, you could have at least seen the semis. You really have no concept of teamwork, and that’s just very sad.
(April 20 - May 20)
Anxiety about an upcoming test will cause you to lose a considerable amount of sleep. Internet porn will also contribute.
(May 21 - June 20)
Your lifelong dream of owning a poster displaying a wide variety of beers will come true when you discover the mecca of dorm decorum that is the Jester Center Poster Sale.
(June 21 - July 22)
You are sterile, so don’t worry about using protection.
(July 23 - August 22)
The moon is in line with Venus, and your car will be stolen. If you don’t own a car, your feet will mysteriously vanish.
(August 23 - September 22)
You will finally discover why everybody likes cocaine.
(September 23 - October 22)
Tall people will see farther than you. But not through walls.
(October 23 - November 21)
You will impulsively change your favorite color from blue to green. ‘Green is cool,’ you will tell yourself, ‘definitely my fave.’ But the truth is, blue has become a part of you, and to push it aside is to smother your entire being. Your life will become a veil of tears.
(November 22- December 21)
As you are watching late night reruns of Doug on Nickelodeon, you will long to be that assertive and wish for a girlfriend named after a condiment.