September 2003 (v6 i1)
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Naturally cool males can’t keep hats on straight
Women flock to aloofness, mental defective style
by Jake Wilburn, Managing Editor

CAMPUS — Males born with an inherent sense of coolness have recently established a delightful new trend simply by taking a lackadaisical attitude toward the way they sport their baseball caps. Since it is typical to wear a ball cap with the bill pointing either straight ahead or directly behind, the new crooked look is generally perceived as an accident credited to the relaxed, unaffected nature of a regarded “cool” person.

Lee Zamora, a history major with a tattoo, explained the phenomenon: “I just put my hat on and sometimes—well, a lot of times—it’s just like ‘whoopsy daisy’ and it doesn’t go on real straight. Like I give a shit. I’m way too laid-back to try and fix it. If that’s ‘cool’ then, well, okay, whatever.”

“Although, there is an art to it, you know,” Zamora added. “The key is to wear it just slightly to one side, at approximately a 55 to 60 degree angle from the ear. And it is essential to have the bill sloping slightly downward so as to shadow one eye. You can’t just willy-nilly turn it however you want. You don’t want to look stupid.”

As predicted, the new slanted style has had a tremendous effect on the perceived attractiveness of those who sport it. It has proved to be a strikingly bold fashion statement that only the most cunning and brave disciples of hip can pull off. Females of all ages have reportedly “melted” in the presence of this off-kilter behavior.

“It’s just so cool and sexy,” says Philosophy Junior Melanie Biggs. ‘They seem so detached from antiquated hat-wearing paradigms. It’s like they’re throwing the proverbial wrench into the noisy machine we call orthodox fashion sensibilities! They couldn’t care less, and there’s something incredibly hot about that.”

Fashion expert Gh’ree has raved about the new style, deeming it an excellent illustration of Generation Y’s ability to individualize themselves.

“This crooked hat thing is as quirky as retro tees but a zillion times as daring. I mean, it’s just B-A-D bad, okay? It’s scary how these kids are always so close to the edge. Fathers: get your daughters on the pill because these guys are heedless, hot, and virile!”

However, the originality of the trend has recently been put to question. Donald Gables, an employee at the El Dorado Assisted Living Center for the Mentally Handicapped, claims that many of the residents there have been donning the crooked cap look for a number of years before it achieved popularity.

“This is kind of ridiculous,” declares Gables, “Most of these people couldn’t put their hats on straight if their lives depended on it. They must be goddamn fashion pioneers.”
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