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Eminem plans retirement sell-out Rap industry icon to focus on financial security, family future by Elizabeth Barksdale, Staff Writer
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 DETROIT, MI — Rapper Marshall Mathers, known to fans by his stage name Eminem or his character Slim Shady, has announced his plans to eventually sell out. According to a statement issued by his publicist, Mathers will release a number of products bearing the Eminem name over the next 30 years, including a line of cardigan sweaters, beaded car seats, three varieties of diet soda, hard peppermint candies, Schlitz Nuts—a variety of Beer Nuts aimed at inner-city consumers—hemorrhoid cream, and, most controversially, Don’t Shit Yo’ Pants adult diapers. Mathers’ product lines “will be aimed at his substantial fan base as they continue to mature over the next twenty to sixty years.”
The announcement shocked the artists’ many fans, many of whom appreciate Eminem’s infamously straightforward, outspoken rhymes about the music industry, his personal relationships with ex-wife Kim Mathers and mother Debbie Mathers-Briggs, opinion towards homosexuals, and other topics.
“He’s like the last rapper in the world I’d ever think would do something like this,” said Kevin Donaldson, a 15 year-old fan. “He’s the one role model I have that tells me not to give a fuck about what other people think of me—to not be influenced. But then again, maybe by the time I’m 50, a pair of Eminem Orthopedic Slippers will seem like a pretty tight idea.”
Harvey McSweeney, the accountant Mathers has hired to help him plan his eventual sellout, says that he is simply doing the responsible thing for himself and his family.
“Mr. Mathers realizes that bankruptcy plagues many talented American rappers—that is, if they survive the constant overdoses, gunshots to the face, neck, and head, driving—intoxicated—off of cliffs, and other typical hazards of their everyday lives.”
McSweeney explains that current economic downtrends contribute to rappers’ efforts to retire and sell out as quickly as possible. “This economy makes life difficult for everyone, including—and especially—multi-millionaires such as Mr. Mathers. How are they supposed to make ends meet when they’re only bringing in say, $6 million a year instead of the $20 million they’ve been used to? They have to have necessities like everyone else: lawyer fees, personal armed security, child support, bail bonds, and so forth. No one can really blame them for slipping into bankruptcy now and again.”
McSwerplen, who has helped many music stars plan sellouts to avoid bankruptcy, says he does not discriminate by an artist’s age or genre. He says that Eminem shows a very keen sense of financial responsibility and planning for a musical artist.
“Negotiating sell-out endorsement deals should be a priority for every young, successful, controversial artist. These are their 401K plans, their only real sensible and reasonable retirement options. It’s not selling out—it’s cashing in.”
In related news, rapper 50 Cent, Mathers’ friend and protégé, has announced plans to develop a series of rehabilitation products for use in the medical industry. 50 Cent’s line of jaw-wiring materials and accessories will not simply assist patients in the healing process after being shot through the mouth. Innovations such as a diamond-studded mandible brace will “help improve patients’ self-esteem by allowing them to continue a bling-blingin’ lifestyle after being disastrously wounded by anonymous assassins.” |
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