September 2003 (v6 i1)
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september dirtybriefs

Critics call new thriller ‘the’ ‘best’ ‘movie’ ‘ever’ ‘made’ ‘in’ ‘life’
NEW YORK – A group of critics collectively contributed to labeling Twentieth Century Fox’s new sex-thriller Stabbing Johnny Jiggs “the” “best” “movie” “ever” “made” “in” “life.” The film, starring Delsin Vanderswa as Johnny and Beau Bridges as the man who stabs him, has seen a rapid increase in ticket sales since the amalgamated acclaim has been mentioned in its previews. Additional adulatory comments including “You” “will probably die” “if you” “Do not see this movie,” and “This…movie” “dominates” “the” “world,” have left Executive Producer Samuel Brixton excitedly optimistic. “As long as critics keep giving us a large cache of words to cut and paste together, there’s a very good chance that this film could become ‘Way’ ‘better than’ ‘God’ ‘even’ ‘on’ ‘his best’ ‘day,’” says Brixton.

New toothbrush is better than ever!
SEATTLE, WA – An announcement by Oral-B has sent shockwaves throughout the dental care world. Their new toothbrush, the Luxor 8, is the first of its kind, cleaning teeth like no other toothbrush before it. Studies show that 4 out of 5 people who used the toothbrush thought it gave their teeth the “best clean ever.” The toothbrush ranked first among kids seven to twelve in “awesomeness,” nudging out Braun's Titan XT 3 to 2 in the all-important “comfort zone” accommodation category. The Luxor 8 sports the revolutionary Advanced Grip Technology (AGT), allowing it to reach deep within crevices to remove harmful plaque and bacteria that lead to tooth decay. Developed by NASA, its high-pressure plastic alloy construction makes it the strongest and most powerful toothbrush on the market, able to fall 14,000 feet before reaching terminal velocity. “This is indeed the most amazing toothbrush I’ve ever seen,” remarked an anonymous Mentadent engineer. “It’s the most stupendous advancement our society has made to date. I don’t know why I even bother showing up for work anymore. It blows my fucking mind.”

Bryant’s wife believes in husband’s innocence, Santa Claus
LOS ANGELES – Sources have reported that Basketball star Kobe Bryant’s wife Vanessa believes strongly in her husband’s innocence regarding charges of sexual assault; and also in the idea that on Christmas eve, a robust, bearded man visits the home of every boy and girl, bringing bounties of gifts and the magic of Christmas spirit. In a recent press conference, Vanessa stated: “I know that my husband has made a mistake—the mistake of adultery. But other than that, he has been nice, not naughty, and I see no reason why Santa wouldn’t bring him that diamond-encrusted scepter he keeps talking about.” Frustrated by the interrogation of her husband, Vanessa angrily added, “How can you all sit around bothering an innocent man when there’s about a million draculas out there sucking people’s blood as we speak?" Bryant later referred to his wife as having “quite the imagination.”

News anchor tired of co-anchor’s plastic smile
RIVERSIDE, CA – While standing at a urinal, local FOX reporter Charles Alston, alone in the station’s restroom, told himself that he was “sick and tired of having to look at [co-anchor] Nancy Bartlet’s disgustingly fake and plastic smile.” The two anchors have been working as a team during the six o’clock news for almost two years and rarely communicate outside of the forced small talk that follows the local weather update. Although Alston was very vocal in the bathroom while regarding his distaste for his partner’s countenance, his true emotions were immediately repressed after drying his hands and giving Bartlet’s imaginary reflection the middle finger.

Area spork having identity crisis
AUSTIN – Resting beside a bowl of soup at Ma’am Madam’s, an area spork lay in a state of silent anguish as it ruminated on its own ambiguous identity. “Am I a fork? Or am I a spoon?” pondered the hybridized utensil, whose curved, spoon-like shape is undercut by four fork-like prongs. “Father was a ladle,” reflected the spork, as graduate student Alyssa Wynn filled it with a small reservoir of broth. “But Mom was a serving fork,” it thought, just as it staked bits of chicken and lettuce. “Why must I be caught between two worlds? In which slot do I go in the utensil drawer? The other forks mock me for my roundness, and my round half-brothers refuse to spoon with me. Why hath my Chinese makers forsaken me?” Despite its profound confusion, the spork found the strength to scoop on by remembering the fortitude of Mariah Carey.

Al Sharpton files lawsuit against sickle cell anemia
NEW YORK – A group led by activist Al Sharpton filed a class-action lawsuit against sickle cell anemia Wednesday, claiming that the disease’s tendency to afflict higher numbers of African-Americans constitutes discrimination. “You racist! You a racist cootie, and I don’t think I like you!” challenged Sharpton, standing amongst a phalanx of reporters outside a New York courthouse. Many pundits fear that the Sharpton case will inspire egalitarian absolutists to sue diabetes, hypertension, and even melanin for their unequal occurrences among people of different races. Others worry that such excessive ligitation could set a dangerous precedent in which abstract concepts like diseases can be put on trial, opening the door for more litigation against other abstractions, such as puppy love, capitalism, and Marlon Brando. Lawyers for sickle cell anemia refused to comment extensively on the disease’s reaction to the lawsuit, saying only that the “proper course of action is through Sharpton’s capillaries.”

Plan II student strains left eyebrow
CAMPUS – Plan II senior Herman Kepland strained his left eyebrow in a Plan II seminar Thursday while attempting to exude an intellectual air of intense concentration. “It was so horrible,” said UHS nurse Jessica Cisneros, who tended to Kepland. “He was screaming out, ‘Not the left one! That’s the only one I can lift!’ Then he sobbed something about losing his ‘brain mojo’ and not being able to ‘bullshit’ his way through a Senior thesis presentation anymore.” Sources close to Kepland say he intends to compensate for the temporary loss of eyebrow-mobility by increasing the instances in which he strokes his chin, wears a pen over his ear, and nibbles the tips of his glasses in an introspective manner.

Old, overexposed pop star suckers young, overexposed pop star intos into publicity stunts
HOLLYWOOD – The former shell of sexy trendsetter and pop princess Madonna has embarked on a campaign to cash in on her name while it is still vaguely familiar to music consumers. The campaign includes a Gap commercial with Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot and the recent parody of her once seemingly-genuine rebelliousness when she kissed reigning pop princess Britney Spears. Public reaction has shown the exchange to be extremely convincing. Said one man on the street about the exchange, “You ever seen Body of Evidence? No? Me neither.” Another man commented, “I thought she was hot in Dick Tracy. You know Warren Beatty drilled her. Man, I bet she has quite the ragged crevice.”

Student mistakes sprinkler for fountain
CAMPUS – Omar McGill was baffled, sources say, when he saw Gearing fountain on Monday, mistaking it for a sprinkler. “I don’t understand why they’d choose to put a sprinkler all by itself here like this,” said McGill, a Landscape Design junior. “The way the water is slowly coming out, and the fact that it is on a big concrete slab with no plants around it, indicates that it isn’t irrigating anything at all. The intricate stone-masonry applied to this spigot seems kind of—oh wait, that’s no sprinkler. It’s the shittiest fountain I’ve ever seen!” McGill went on to draw similarities between the water coming of the fountain and the urine passing through his grandfather’s urethra. “Usually I don’t have a problem with university fountains. Ask me about Littlefield. Now there’s a good fountain. The one on East Mall? That one’s good too.” McGill continued to explain how the fountain, when viewed from any angle, disagrees with surrounding scenery. “The question also remains,” said McGill, “What were they trying to do with materials? Or the waste of materials, I should say. Geez Louise.”

Elderly man asks for sloppy seconds
MIAMI, FL – Little did Jerry Silverberg know when he asked for seconds on sloppy joes in his Florida Beach retirement home cafeteria, that he’d cause such an uproar of laughter. “Janice is the lunch lady. She’s always been a fiery broad,” explained Silverberg. “Anyway, I asked for ‘sloppy seconds’ and then Janice and Lucille and my friend Terry started to laugh.” Sources indicate that the 87-year-old man did not understand the connotation of his phrase, but he started to run with it. “He didn’t know what the hell he was saying,” said chess-mate, Terry Wolfe, “But we kept laughing, and he kept saying stuff like ‘yeah, make them extra sloppy so I can dive right into ‘em.’ It was just too humorous.” Silverberg can’t wait for the next Sloppy Joe Day so he can tell more jokes.
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