April/May 2003 (v5 i6)
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UTPD to employ terrifying new beasts
Horse/dog hybrids prove efficient law enforcers, totally kick ass
by Eric Jenkins, Staff Writer

CAMPUS — Facing the dilemma of a massive state budget deficit, a faltering economy, and an overwhelming desire to create something implausibly bitchin', the UT Police Department has contracted with GenWorx—an Austin bio-tech firm—to spawn a new species of horse/dog abominations. The nefariously genius scheme saves taxpayer dollars in the canine and equine departments of UTPD, as well as being, in the words of one officer, "cool as shit."

UTPD first struck up a relationship with GenWorx's CEO/Overlord, Dr. Hubert Spackle, after raiding his fortress in an attempt to foil his plan to release electric piranhas with buzzsaws for fins into Lake Travis. It was there that police were first impressed with the evil genius' pleasant demeanor, mastery of controlled genetic mutation, and impeccable grasp of early Victorian interior design. "Uncle Hubie really took the drab existing rock walls and shortage of external light and made that fortress into a cozy home away from home," noted Chief George Wickowski.

As a stipulation of Dr. Spackle's probation, his evil ingenuity has been put to work in service of the UTPD to create a super-species of half-horse, half-dog beasts, spearheading the new "shock and awe" law-enforcement techniques adapted from the armed forces. In its initial stages, the beasts will be unleashed on the city in mass numbers in an attempt to strike fear into the hearts of petty criminals by devouring them mercilessly. "Of course there have been fears about unleashing such ravenous terror on the people of Austin," commented Lieutenant Steve Watts regarding the new campaign, "but, Hubie spent so much time making these weapons, and they look so damn cool when they work, we figured, what the hell, it's just a few civilians."

After the initial barrage, the beasts will be incorporated into the daily operations of mounted officers and drug task forces. The horse/dogs have a greater running speed and stamina than traditional horses, longer ranged senses of smell and hearing than any dog, AM/FM radios, and "really sweet" chrome armor. "There's nothing more ass-kickingly rad than riding one of these things, armor glistening, into a back alley, and letting it eat a junkie while you rock out to Van Halen," admitted officer Richard Carlson. Early trials have been overwhelmingly successful for both efficiency and morale.

The only source of conflict regarding the program thus far is agreeing upon a name for the beasts. Chief Wickowski has proposed calling them "dorses," a clever combination of the two animals they most resemble, but Watts disagrees. "Horog is a much better combination of horse and dog," he argues, "Wickowski has no business naming anything...he's a fat idiot." Despite such scattered debate, many officers remain neutral on the matter. "I don't care what they decide to name the species," Carlson remarked, "All I know is mine's gonna be called Lord LazorSkuhl."
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